so many drunk times

im not constantly around the internet anymore so i never have the time to write in this. because i would just have too many things to say. anyone thats been around me really would already know everything ive been up to.

me and amber have mission books now and we have to accomplish them before we die then either once we do or once were around 30ish years old were taking toadstools, trippin fucken balls, doing something explosive [turtle secrets ;)], then dying. fucken fun tiemz. good plan guys good plan.

i dont see how people can be really too sad with life cuz all you really have to do is get fucked up, have fun tiemz with friends, then die. simple shit. i love everyone. except niggers and gumby. and retards. well actually i pretty much hate everyone except my friends and friendly people that yoohoo back at me.

aw

awwww aw aw aw!
haha this was bound to happen eventually, you know it, i knew it.
awwwww makes me so happy and awwww :)

poooooooz :(

fuuuuck, i had the most ultimate blow yr mind epic as fuck trippy ass dream last night. i woke up after having it and was like wow, holy fuck, this is the best thing ive ever like, yknow, dreamt bout, and i remembered it, but then i was tired and fell back to sleep and had more dreams and when i proper woke up i couldnt fucking remember the awesomeness of the wicked dream from before. it may have had something to do with drugs, and i know my friends were there. and thats all i can recover from the shreds of my memory at the moment..

its REAL gay like ive never had a downbuzz this gay before bout a dream! hopefully later in the day random shit will remind me of stuff that happened, that does work sometimes!

this is the day weve gone too far

whys there so many things that have to be fucked up?
late night everything thinking is the worst

today im out in the sun

i made a choker out of wire and nails, i got a new earring altho its a bit too big to wear out and will prob fall out real easily, and i been printing out and making stencils, so far only done one, going to spray paint them onto my tshirts. it sucks we only have black spray cuz most of my tshirts are black so ill be wearing a bit more color after i do these haha.

ugh

what started as a happy relief turned into a stupid missing sadness.
whattttttwhyyyyyyyjkfegdlksfjngkndgdsbdf;kdfnk

god damn it come and see me. you know as well as i do this is going to go in painful circles for god knows how long.

ergh

im still pretty damn fucked.
i cant sleep properly i spend hours tossing and turning despite having the comfiest bed ever, this has never happened before. i comad in a pile under a blanket on the couch today and got a semi sleep for about an hour.
i wake up stupidly early and cant get back to sleep even though im really tired. ive been yawning all day.

i can drink myself into comas and sleep on the floor quite comfortably but i guess im sober when ive been trying to sleep properly.
if i had the money id drink myself to sleep every night. seems like i need it.
maybe its those pills from the other night. maybe i took too many. altho last time i took too many pills i slept til like 4pm the next day so hmm.

ive been quite emotional today as well as the drowsyness.
i got real happy before and i couldnt stop grinning now i feel like im about to cry at any point. i dont really know why. as far as i know ive sorted my main problem out.

my stupid fucking mother blames my sleeping problems on not having a job. A-FUCKING-GAIN!!! WTF IS HER PROBLEM SERIOUSLY!!! YOU CANT JUST BLAME EVERY FUCKING THING ON NOT DOING ANYTHING! FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!

it gets me so fucking enraged that i just yell at her that shes a stupid cunt and knows nothing so why the fuck do i even bother trying to have a conversation with her! which then sets her off and blah.

altho when im not on the computer playing games and shit i do feel really sad and all i can see else to do is coma somewhere cuz whats the point in being conscious when its all shit.

what to do what to do...
what the fuck to do

im gonna have to test this out
just doesnt seem real

i got attacked by a nightmare last night, woke up and couldnt move from being way too scared, not even to reach my phone under my pillow which i did manage to do after like 10 minutes. it felt fucking weird like this scary shit was invading my brain and i had to spend like half an hour trying to distract myself and thinking happy thoughts so it would get the fuck out of my mind. so i thought all about aj and eerything weve done and stuff and i went to sleep real happy.

fuck you stupid dream monster, fuck you!

letter to god

Dear God, I'm writing this letter to you,
cause I don't have a clue, can you help me?
I'm sitting here, simply trying to figure out,
what my life's all about, can you tell me?
I never wanted to be, the person you see,
can you tell me who I am?
I always wanted to die, but you kept me here alive,
can you tell me who I am?
I lie awake conducting this symphony,
that you have gifted to me, I can't ever sleep,
don't get mad, but I get weak inside,
and I start to fall apart, cause I feel nothing,
I never wanted to be, some kind of comic relief,
please show me who I am,
I've been tortured and scorned, since the that I was born,
but I don't know who I am, and I thank you man for everything,
sorry I'm so frightened about all of it, but I wish I could give you more,
and all the lights are shining down on me, and I feel intimated by it all,
I never wanted to be, the person you see, but thank you,
oh god please tell me now, are you disappointed? are you proud?
haven't I done everything, everything,
I'm so sorry I'm so weak, and I turned into a freak,
but I don't know anything, anything,
I've lost all self-esteem, my baby and everything and I feel nothing, nothing,
oh god please tell me now,
oh god please tell me now, cause i feel nothing,
and dear god I'm writing this letter to you,
I am coming unglued please help me...

hrfdjkg

what the fuck fuck you, the first thing i think waking up is shit, i dont want to be here, have to go back to sleep and spend all day dreaming. why? cuz its so much better than being alive. i hate everything. why would you not want to spend every moment in your dreams.
i told you i dont want to do anything, i dont want to get out of bed, i would rather just sleep and escape to my dreams all day.
what did you say?
you need to get a job.
thanks for that, you dont seem to care, when obviously somethings not right. i been crying all fucking morning for fucks sake.

and dear someone else, why the fuck dont you seem to care, i try really hard to talk to you and everyone tells me communication etc and i say everything but you it falls upon deaf ears, you could at least have the decency to say something at least. i dont even know. i dont mean to get angry and mad but its just retaliation for all of this going around inside my head too much and if you say you love me then you shouldnt fucking be like this so go fuck yourself.

i wish i knew courtney love i wish i was as fucking lucky as frances to have her as a mother but she doesnt even want to talk to her. courtneys a fucking amazing person whos been through so much and seems like shed know what to do with every situation instead of being a bitch nag like my mum who i feel isnt even fucking there for me when i need help. cuz i dont know what to do anymore. with anything. i honestly feel like something just needs to hurry up and kill me so i dont have to deal with fucking anything anymore its horrible!
fuck everything

fucking amazing

the past 2 days ive been drinking and everything is a blur, ive been with aj and chelsea and ive been really fucking happy. like i dont really remember how the events of the past days went but i know weve gotten real fucked up and done a dece amount of drugs and drunk a helluva lot. and im glad now that ive seen her again and talked to her, we had a fucking lot of serious conversations, just drunk ones cuz i always get real emotional when im drunk and i just go on about real depressing shit. which is kinda the reason i get drunk in the first place. i think all this all the time thats why i have to distract myself with stupid shit like getting drunk and playing games and getting fucked on drugs cuz seriously why would you want to be sober when everything can put you in such fucked up states and its amazing, like fuck. and i just .. ohhh it was just a great time i dont really know im still drunk because im drinking again after i finally slept properly for the first time in about 2 days but it was only for 4 hours but anyway still i forgot what i was talking about.

but brittany if your reading this, well you shoulda hanged out with us more and gotten drunk with us, it was so much fun. and i said this this morning when it was freakin 7am and i was finally going home, and know that i dont take this sort of thing lightly and ive never actually felt that for anyone ive been out with before, but i said i loved her and i really meant it, like fuck it just makes me so happy seeing her, and you know what i was talking about a few days ago, i just get like real depressed when shes not around so i think why bother but when i do see her its the best thing ever and ill stick by her and be real fucken protective like i get lol. but yeah.

anyway on the bus ride home we got into a conversation about courtney love and kurt cobain and i know fucking heaps about that like courtney love is my fucking hero shes so fucking great. and everyone just sorta thinks oh its just courtney shes a trainwreck and she fucks herself real bad and is wild child etc, but shes not, she used to be like that back in the 90s and she was real bad then and thats still a part of her that i idolize, and her amazing music is the best fucking music ever on this fucking planet, and yeah she did heroin and got real fucken drunk and everything else, but now shes real responsible, and she doesnt drink or do drugs anymore and shes gotten over all that shit. her husband killed himself and she has a daughter and shes taking care of her life after everything shes been through. and shes the most awesome beautiful person ever.
talking about kurt though i was going on about star signs and ascendant star signs and im fucking PISCES ASCENDANT PISCES. thats fucked up. thats like 50 times as bad as just a normal pisces. thats why im so fucked. i bet if you looked at the star signs of people who kill themselves you will find the majority of them are pisces. and its like well what the fuck because theres something different about us and we just overthink way too much and we know how fucked everything is in this fucking world and ALL FUCKING HUMANS JUST DESERVE TO DIE. all of us. our whole planet should just blow up because we are fucking pieces of shit. big fucking sacks of it. were really bad. were killing ourselves for our own "good". greedy fucking humans.

well fuck i was sposed to be writing about kurt cobain i got off the topic a little. but anyway, i fully understand why he killed himself. ive got such bad empathy and i can pretty much feel anything if i think about it. he was fucked from drugs like actually took too much that everything was hurting him, and being on tour constantly and all that band did was tour around, and get REAL fucked on drugs and alcohol, and fuck shit up. and kurt was kinda like the quiet one, hed still get fucked up but just be less drunk and rowdy like kris used to get. but kurt ended up being in real bad pain, and the thing about his music was he never wanted to get big like that. he fucking hated their most famous song.. smells like teen spirit. because it meant every fucking faggot was listening to it because they played it on mtv and the radio. he wanted people to listen to his music because the lyrics and the sound really fucking mattered to them. not just mainstream fucking faggotry shit. and nirvana ended up getting really fucking famous and he just didnt want that.
he had a wife and a fucking daughter, but he got so fucked that life was just too much for him, and he ended it, and he really thought he was better off dead than being alive still going through everything that was happening then.

my most fucking favorite quote ever is from his suicide note.

"its better to burn out than fade away"

i dont know why really but i feel right at fucking home talking about kurt and courtney and i feel like i can reeeal fucking identify with kurt as well. cuz i know how fucked shit is and i was saying some fucked up things about life last night and the night before and im just really suprised, honestly, real fucken suprised, that i just havent topped myself already

dreams

the past week or so ive been having dreams and in them ive got these dreads. long multicolored dreads, they look so fucking cool. red, blue, purple, green, yellow, fuck, they just look amazing and i look awesome with them.
GRR I WANT HAIR
maybe ill just get fake ones hahah have to ask aj where she got her dreads from..

frustrated.
i want my hair back

why am i gettin butterflies?

grrrrrr doesnt feel good

uhhh when are we gonna hang out?

i have such fond old memories. i wish that flame was still there.

i dont fucking think so

i doubt shit like that can take a few days and you should stop fucking shouting at me because im pretty sure that i know a lot more about myself than you do. and i know a lot more about everything. im not saying youre not close but fuck, just leave me be.

i dont think im meant to do anything. its just a waste of a life really, this one.
ive gotten this into my head lately and i dont think it will come out.
whats the point of having a full growing old life if theres nothing i want to do except drink lots, take drugs, make myself look cool, and do stupid shit.

i dont really care about anything else.
ive figured out i dont care about people.
not in a mean sense but i just dont bother myself with talking about people all the time like everyone else seems to do and im not really quiet i just have nothing to say and i dont see the point of talking for the sake of it.
i dont know.
maybe time should just hurry up so i can have a break already. i know it wont be a break ill be on but whatever.

I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city's ripped backsides
And everything looks good tonight

And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine

i just dont think ill be around for much longer.

i never thought i would
but i have now
and even though this might not be what i thought it was
im beyond happy that it finally took away what id been tying to kill for so fucking long
and its so much better this way

everyone seems to be leaving, going somewhere, out of this city. maybe i should as well. running away is always good. it seemed to fix my problems last time i ran.
im not quite sure what to do. i guess all i can do is put up with this purgatory til you figure out whatever it is thats made you crazy. its okay, i know youre not quite there.
neither am i after the weeks that past.
but you wont know about that.
it seems a bit like a sad case if i mentioned it.

so this is the future. drugs and madness.

thats fine by me cuz fuck, theres nothing fucking else to do in this miserable timeless place.

so you think you dont know me hmm?

this has been okay, but sometimes i feel real lost, like kinda blind, not knowing what the fucks going on and whats ahead because it literally could be anything. i hate how i worry like this but im not sure if its fully there or not.

mushyyyyyz

i got some magic mushrooms the other day and they were fucking amazing. me and aj ate half the bag (about 25-30 each) and it was the most intense thing ever. we were just lying in bed with the lights off and it started to hit me, all these coloured lights were flying around the room and lots of peoples faces were everywhere, there was like 3 vampires that came up and started fading in and out at me, then people at the window like faces in the curtains, all distorted and fucked up. there was like moshpits of punks, some gangsters in a nigger music video coming up and doing nigger poses at me. a black guy with an eyepatch and an afro.

then things started to get more intense as well took more. all the scenery changed, we were in so many different places. a dark forest with trees leaning over us, inside a toadstool, in a castle and we were sleeping beauty in her coffin, up on top of clouds leaning down and looking off, in a frypan and tubby was there cooking us up and going to eat us, inside a pork sandwich and it smelt like pigs. then tubby fell asleep and it was the giant from jack and the beanstalk. we were in a sewer and it smelt real bad like drainage. aj kept on falling off the bed, like it would tip and she would fall out and i had to hold onto her real tight so she wouldnt fall off. even tho the bed didnt move and she was still lying flat and never went off the edge. the room tipped vertical and the floor became on of the walls and we were laying in bed on this wall. the dogs head came off. the bed shrunk, we got lost in the blankets and there were blankets hanging off the walls. the bed turned into goo. aj got really far away from me and i got real far away from her even though we were still beside each other. she turned really tiny and so did i. she pulled her hair off and it turned into a mohawk. i was bald and had no eyebrows. my arm was metal, then bones, and my fingers were really long like claws, they got really big, old people grew off my fingertips, my fingers disappeared. the kittens legs came off in my hands, and she got really big and turned into a gorilla, a wolf, and a lion. my nose started growing mushrooms.

i had to get up and go toilet, so i stood up then didnt know how to get off the bed, i eventually did and there was a massive earthquake and the house started shaking, i couldnt even make it to the door so i had to crawl. we went outside for a smoke and looked at the sky, it was amazing, there were flashing colourful stars EVERYWHERE zooming about the sky, there were spacecrafts firing laser beams, dragons flying through the sky breathing smoke, clouds turned into castles and all sorts of things.

on wednesday

i got happy

drinking

a few months ago id do anything to get drunk. even that shit of working, blah blah, whatever, i dont do that anymore but i mostly spent all that money on booze. now i have money again due to not paying rent and still getting like 200 a week, i dont even want to spend like 10 bucks on a little bottle of booze. maybe im kinda over drinking, it is getting a little lame, a lot has changed with people since then and i guess its getting colder and rainy and darker a lot earlier. theres not a lot of people now who just want to fuck around and drink all the time. everyones doing their own thing now and im just like blah.
i never really expected such a drastic change in attitude like this. hmmmm

lol

today in town was fun. i got a spike for my piercing, yay! and got a mctriple at maccas south city! im so happy i havent had one since me and steph used to work at warehouse stationary and go get one like 2 or 3 times a day! hahahahah. man i love them, its like a triple cheeseburger with bacon and mayo!! hmm fuck yeah.

then went to town, found tubby brittany and emma and we threw bk drinks at him, he got mad and charged around after me lol. then found some cleaners bucket and wet a rag and threw it at him, he chased me some more, i gave him his exercise for the month. brittany and emma stole his bag and ran off with it whilst he chased me around asking ME where it was, hahah wtf! they came back and gave it back but still had his smokes and cellphone, so me and brittany ran and hid and texted heaps of people saying hey sexy blah blah etc, emma found us while we were spying on tubby from afar. we yelled at him and he gave chase again so we ran like everywhere, then he got the cops on us lol and he came back, we sat down and threw his phone in the middle of the ground so he got it back. i got some real sexy pics of his angry face lol. lisa came along and threw more drinks at him, i took a video and more pics, he got real mad and talked to the cops about her so they went and had a chat with lisa. we took pics of her hahahah.

then went to the library and played barbie secret agent, fave game ever! got bored and found the dyke security guard, whose name we found out is HENNIS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOLZLOLZ FOREVER!!!! HAHAHHSAHH HENNIS!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!!! we took pics of her and hid in the toilets, came out and she was outside and escorted us out. we took hot pics of us all with her in the lift lol. fucked off back to town and some asian raged at lisa for punching his internet cafe sign. emma and brittany bussed home. lisa destroyed her phone. we found alex and went back to the library and got kicked out again and they threatened to call the cops on us. we just wanted to see our babe hennis!! hahahahah. wish i could upload the sexy pics of her on here but i dont have a thing for putting the camera in here.

uhhh then we went to see kim and jesse, kim gave me bright red hair dye so im going to put some of that in tonight! then chelsea picked us up in the car. we drove and visited steph, tubby and alex were there lol and tubby was sitting there in a blanket in his boxers cuz his pants were soaked! hahahahhaa! took more pics then fucked off, went and visited miley and took her for a drive, then went and saw her house. she has like 10 kittens!! and a little mouse! cute! her house is real fucking cool theres like stairs with little alcoves EVERYWHERE and her room is in one fo them! fuck its a cool house! she has this hot poo red wig that i wore and got a hot pic of lol. then yeah went back into town and now at cyber, we are probably going to drink tonight so had a real fun afternoon/night and itll end up even more fun after we get booze :)

this is mainly for jasmine

alright i cant be fucked texting so ill just kinda try write about last night here. drinking beers, then mescaline, then ate some mushies. and drunk some in a tea. the tea was amazing cuz when i was already tripping out it hit me instantly with more trippyness. basically like you see a whole lot of colours and swirls and like buzzy stuff everywhere you look. if you close your eyes you see amazing visuals. and you think about a lot of things, its a whole lot diff to pot, i dont know if youve ever had mushies before but yeah i cant really explain just the mesc cuz i mixed it with them. it did taste real nice when i had it like kinda slimy but yum like a tea or something.
dj was going on an insane trip and talking about how he was god and he understood everything and the universe and all this shit, it would have been nutso but pretty much i just thought about like things how i can make life better i suppose. i know i twittered some shit when i could be fucked getting my phone, everytime i pulled it out though the whiteness of the screen would be rainbow and 3d and have like cubes and stuff and id stare right into it.
people are amazing to have drugs with though and everyone trips you out in different ways, theres no real reason to be rude to people or hate on anyone because if you talk to people and do stuff like this with them they become like amazing. everyone is good. dj was amazing to trip out with, he was in his chair taking everyone on massive trips with what he was talking about. i love him hes great. and charlie well hes got some good ideas in his head. i was asking all these questions about everything and he had every answer.

i wish i coulda recorded my eyes on camera because thatd be great. i dont really know what like the drugs do individualy cuz i havent had either of them by themselves but really they are both so great. ahaha. you just like learn things and realize shit like i used to get that when i first started pot like have massive realizations and trips but fuck that doesnt happen anymore.cuz pot is for dirty fucking stoners, useless shit. try better stuff. do it

whatever. friends + doing stuff = good mood.
not the other way around.

fuckin well done.

blah

i really wanna go somewhere like away out of here maybe ill just fucking grab someone and go hitchiking to who knows where. or at least today i wanna fucken go somewhere interesting or errr i duno. need a car. fuck it. i cant keep annoying people to entertain me cuz that just fucks them off most of the time heh.
well emma is entertaining me right now she put me in a conversation with some horny kid in england that shes pretending to want to fuck. we both live in england apparently at 123 park road. yay.

sleeping on couchs is fun. the ones at mums are actual real comfortable. the only thing that sucks is they get up so fucking early like 7 or 8 or something and im still wanting to sleep til like at least mid day but mum always wakes me up and shit. today they took the couch to my auntys cuz they bought a new one instead. so i had to get off and and i just rolled onto the floor and slept a while there. then i was in the way again so i had to like crawl in my sleeping bag over to the other one then mum comes like a couple hours later all like "get up you have things to do today blah blah move all this mess i want to open the curtains blah blah"
meh so i have to get up and have a shower then i wanted mum to like take me for a carride out to somewhere because im just that fucking bored that i will put up with being a car with her for a couple hours or whatever just to go somewhere else.
but no, she has work, so i dont get anything.

i have like $15 but that wont get me very far. blah. FUUUUUUUUU KLFHJSDLKHGDJKSFHGJDFSHRESHGIUEN

WHAT THE HELL I HATE THIS PLACE I HATE BEING FUCKING NOTHING TO DOOO.

WHO WANTS TO LEAVE THIS CITY TODAY

feel better about this now.

fuck you

i know by now i cant get anything out of this so why stick around and be bothered and waste all my fucking thoughts
WELL I JUST CANT FUCKING HELP IT

i listened to new courtney love songs tonight and i like them.

tonights shit

rage rage rage fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu rage a lot tonight.
i hate this fucking laptop because the m key is fucking up and pressing itself when its not welcome so to avoid that im ctrl+v-ing whenever it comes up but it still fucking insists anyway and frustrating BEYOND FUCKING BELIEF

i was like tearing tonight cuz of going on myspace and to christies page and reading all my old comments and looking at her albums and blah.
i miss her so much like there used to not be a day where we wouldnt talk for at least half the day and about everything and sometimes itd be all day and all night and she pretty much knew EVERYTHING about me.

but now
now i hardly talk to her at all and if i do its only about something stupid and little like you can never really get that back sort of thing.

wanted to talk to her tonight after this BUT SHES NOT ONLINE

and brittany told me not to remind myself of all this and be happy for the rest of the night but its kinda not really working, sorry.

things are changing, again, like always, i dont know what to do. it can never fucking be the same for very long these fucking days CAN IT!?
fucks sake.

im suposedly going to go see aj tomorrow but i dont know if that will happen, i have things to do and cant really be fucked going all the way out to hornby for the length of a bus transfer only to sit around and be bored because jays presence kills things a lot. i hate that she still lives with him and all the way out there and that she doesnt make him sleep on the fucking couch.

i been listening to this band rocket, i really want to find their songs for downloading but theyre only on myspace and facebook and all you can do is listen. theres only one live video on youtube and googling does nothing. you cant even search for their lyrics and theres this song thats playing which ive been trying to figure out some of the lyrics for so ill try write them out here from what i can hear.

but i know just whats going on
and all i want is you
i cant understand myself
with the world around me
and theres noone else but you
each and every time you do

and if you only knew
i just cant stand myself
something something fuck i cant get the rest of the chorus
sommething about i just cant help myself

anyway whatever, maybe theyll get famous and the song will become easy to find.

i hate when i have stupid emotional nights and pack a fucken sad over mostly the same thing every fucken time. when i try think about it and like explain it to other people i have all these feelings that so want to burst out of me but all that comes out is GSIFIGSDFSGOIOIFHSMGDFSOWIO.
even with steph all i can say about is it like GOFGIOEOIOEDvEROOndsRE and shes like WUT U SED DAT LYK HEAPZ ALRDY WUT U WANT Y U SAD??!1

i probably could explain properly if i wanted to but itd take a lot of thinking about what i wanted to say and careful words. and most of the time i wont say a lot just because i cant be fucked.

so many stupid things i keep reminding myself of and sorry fagz but i really cant help it. hah.
id like to be able to sort myself out before i die.
fuck it
im getting along.

theres not a lot of fucking time left and ive done fucking nothing, i wanna leave, id go tomorrow if i had that kind of money. but i really would like to sort out things here as soon as i can because its fucking over halfway through fucking may already and WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID THAT EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN! time goes too fucking fast. why the fuck even.
but i wouldnt even know where to start. id have to have intense conversations with a few people. i can probably actually come up with things to say pretty quickly. so why not have these conversations right now? this has happened too many times before and someones probably going to get angry or whatever with me saying things again. or just sick of it and like -____-
the only thing im scared of is that these conversations wont change anything, and seriously im not being underconfident in myself but i reeeeally can see that happening. and then it all will have been for nothing and would be better off before id said anything at all.

the thing is though, with life, you could fucking die tomorrow. so you should live with no regrets and to the fullest extent right? but you cant. most of the time you end up not dying and having to face consequences of carefree things youve done. actually this bit isnt coming out right. scrap it.
what if something happens. what will i feel like when i know ive had a chance to say things ive wanted to but didnt and now cant anymore.
and i wouldnt really care if i died and never got to fix shit up i guess because id be dead so yeah. blah why am i talking about me dying. this is just turning to ramble now. nothing meaningful left. the tangent i was on is gone. fuck this.

old blog, 11/april, with stephs reply :)

last night i waslked for 5 and a half hours. from addington to an abandoned factory in heathcote. it may have been a long fucking walk but i had to get out of the house. getting too angry and restless and bored cooped up here.
im beginning to get into weird moods again. i feel like things arent right here anymore.

just people i think, more changes, more coming and going, feelings changing, i dont know whats what anymore and what i think about things.

i dont like this city. im sick of everything. theres nothing to do, nowhere to go.
nothing keeping me here.
there could be, but theres not.

today i sat in hagley park for 3 hours. against a tree by a little creek. i dont know what i did there for that long. but i had a ladybug asleep on me for like 2 hours. i dont know why it stayed. i came back dirty and leafy and everyone was like where the fuck did you go.

jcsklhjxgkdjfhgjdhgkdshgksdgjkjdhgkksrhiuhjenskgthsk

i cant really describe what im sick of here but i have an overwhelming sense of it.

i want to leave. i need to leave. if i sell all my shit i dont need i should get a bit of money.

thats about all i can think of saying at the moment..



--------
even if you leave, it wouldn't really change anything. I mean, it would for maybe a little while, things might feel different for a bit, but then it would just be the same old stuff, just with a different crowd. Unless you completely changed how you lived, and then I guess it wouldn't really be the same...

But here, you have people who love you, and want to help you, and care for you, and if you went somewhere else, how could they do that, how could they help and care for you? Maybe you should just go on a holiday for a bit, and stuff around for a while, and then come back and see how you feel. Idk, maybe the people you are around just aren't good for you, but then again I guess it's not as simple as that anyway.... Either way, if you decide to do anything, no matter what you decide, I'm here for you and love you always :D

But you have to give me sex, cause love isn't unconditional, ya know? :P

fuck

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

good cunts

tonight we drunk on top of a bell in the gardens. it was great fun. there was me, brittany, amber, cory, robbie who just was an emo by himself by a tree the whole night, dj, and some other randoms.

we had a great time then got joined by a few more people then walked to town, some of them went home then the rest of us walked to the skatepark and climbed up to the top of this massive tower which looked amazing from the very top and especially while youre drunk and spinning! so have to go up there more often.

we decided we wanted to go to the beach and go for a swim in the ocean, a few people left to go home so there was me, cory, and 3 others, a skinhead, that emo thing, and the guy who liked making random noises.

the walk was real fun, i cant believe the whole way we only ran into 2 other people which was outside eastgate who asked us for a smoke hahah.
on the way me and cory like trashed everything in sight, went to the edmonds gardens and smashed up lights and jumped in bushes, went to some school and fucked stuff up there, had to run from the cops and hid in someones front yard which the yelling guy whined about cuz he jumped through a rose bush and got scratches on his arm... oh no.... get mummy to kiss it better! fuck! i ripped a trash can off its hinges and threw it onto the road outside eastgate hahahahahha!!!

then walked some more, stopped for food and drink at one of their houses, I HAD FUDGE! yum!

got to the beach eventually after whiny guy complained about his feet being sore, hahahah, went into this smashed up shop thing which looked interested, got to the beach and the waves were massive!!!

3 of the guys pussied out and only me and the skinhead ended up going into the ocean.
reminds me of the time at taz's when only me and jay actually went out!

i was in my bra and undies and wasnt event feeling cold.

played around in the ocean for a while before coming back out and taking the piss out of the others for being pussy shit.
im not going to let cory live this down, seriously, its cory! hahaha! scared of a little cold water!! hahahahhaha!!!

then like walked back to mums and here i am. my nipples are really cold right now and like sticking up a lot and pointy and lolz. one was poking out to the side real weirdly so i had to poke it back into place hahhahahah. mum has a packet of the works chips but i dont feel like them! i opened them and ate one then couldnt be fucked with the rest so blah! i had a glass of milk though, woo.

okay im bored and pretty much said all of the night so bye! hahahaha.
i find it so funny that i had so much more balls than 3 guys tonight.

sorry but i have to get this out

fucking dodgy old cunt
walking around like he owned the fucking place
he got what he fucking wanted
everyones fucking gone
fucking asshole fucker
everything was fine til he moved in
we had free run without having to worry about him being around
nutting at all our friends
tryna control everything
noone even fucking cares about whatever the fuck you have to say about your pathetic fucking "hardcore" life ALL THE FUCKING TIME
noone even fucking wanted you there in the first fucking place except for idiot retard jay
fucking white pride this, black power that, mongrel fucking mob whatever the fuck.
go take your fucking 10 different fucking personalities and fuck up some other peoples lives, how bout you go do the same thing to some of your fucking nigger mates you fuckshow
fucking creeping about in my room doing who the fuck knows what you fucking sick FUCK
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKIIINNNNGGGGGG DDDDDIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTT

i might try and have like a "tough" exterior and shit
but really just cant be fucked with confrontation and what not.

theres a lot of bad things in the world and if you mouth off to the wrong person or even just someone that thinks theyre hard shit then little girls still end up getting fucked up in the end.

i dont really care, stuff is just stuff, nothing like that really matters.

but today when i hugged my father for the first time in years, i really did almost burst out crying.

lolzlolz

hahahahah i just got nutted at in town by lisas ugly mutt girlfriends mum.

apparently im a nark and shes going to take me on and all this hilarious bullshit.
hah i never even told her mole daughters name to the cops and whats more the bitch is pregnant because lisa came over last night and told me that her and her gf both work and the gf gets angry cuz lisa takes all the customers away from her.

WHAT THE FUCK

who the fuck would be desperate enough to pay that fuckwit for sex. shes disgusting.
and then fucking working unprotected is even more fucking gross...

thats going to make like one of the fucking ugliest babiest in like existance..
that thing with some dirty old mans love child....

EWWWWWWWw

ive sorted a lot of things out since my last confusion post.

im at my grandparents tonight and being here reminds me of staying at the old house back years ago... always staying when i was lovesick. thinking too much, writing, actually feeling sick to my stomach. hmmmmm

playing massive amounts of final fantasy x over the holidays. fuck i loved that game.

think about becoming lovesick again, but im not the same stupid kid as i was. i can handle a lot more, and have handled a lot more. i was nothing back then. so much would hurt me. now its a different case i think.

im old,
im wise.

and apparently i have barb wire all through my face.

interesting idea, ill have to think about actually doing that.

I cant really be bothered going into much detail with blogs now. Its like so much effort and yeah thats about it. Things are happening, too much, too fast since I last posted whatever the fuck i posted.
I think things are going to be better though. Im still not used to the change.
I have to apologize to someone but i dont know quite what to say. Maybe im sorry i was born or met them or whatever.

I think with some things that never happened, its prob a good thing because if they did then my life would be waaay different. For example last year if something had happened that could have if id spoken, I wouldnt have even known any of my good friends now because i would have never met them. Or even before that, that couldnt have happened because id be somewhere fucking else.

Nevermind. it all gets too stupid if i go back like that. whats done is done kind of thing, although last night i really really fucking wished i would have done something to change how shit turned out, but all that was a year ago. A little more. At least I wasnt drunk. I still even cried a little even though i was sober. I know if id had alchz i would been out and down those stairs having a massive stupid fucking emo time.

Oh well. what the fuck can you do but move on. I might try go back. One day.

fooled you haha

me and mikes entertainment for the night. pretending to be fucked off our faces on some sort of drug. we didnt say what.

first we were abducted by aliens who took us to a gay bar on uranus then i was talking to a chick who looked like a tiger while mike was searching for dragons in the cave outside. i sat on top of a rock of candy floss that tasted like 3 while i heard a mighty roar from the cave.

we got home and robbie had 14 lying mouths with purple lips and eyeballs in each one. only one spoke the truth but you couldnt tell so you had to disregard everything he said. conor had a cat on top of his head that was slowly eating away at his brain and licking his eyeballs. brandon was a giant, jay was hiding in the bathroom which we barricaded with boulders and wood. he became a shadow and stuck on robbies face then came over to me then disappeared when i shook him off me.
robbie left slime all over me whenever he touched me and i was warding everyone off with mikes dragon-beating laser.

i started melting and my skin dropped all over the ground which mike picked up and moulded back on. mike was holding a fire which kept us warm, which burnt me a few times.

noone had any cigarette papers except for mike when he pulled them out of his pockets he started eating them and said they tasted like green. i took the remainder from his old pouch and ate those as well, then spat them at conor.

i dont think they were too happy at us eating the only papers in the house hahahah.

we were in a swamp at some point, my feet got wet and sticky. i was on the roof floating and robbie had a really stretchy arm that reached me from the floor.

hmmm that was most of the interesting things i think, it was fucking funny acting all that out and they actually believed it, we told them in the morning after robbie had rated us 10 on the scale of being fucked. hahahahhaahha.

stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh

man i fell asleep on the toilet before. many interesting things have happened since ive last written to my blog, but honestly i cant be fucked remembering them or taking notes to write them down anymore, since im not around internet anymore i havent really much motive to sit down and write about whatever ive been doing in the day. occasionally i do write some things on paper when i want to remember something or write something good. but thats about it. maybe once ive got a stockpile of all that stuff ill put it on here. maybe. ive been drunk today. today was fun. a lot of fun. fucking full from bk and beers. it fucking sucks i havent had a break in soooo long and have had to get up early a lot in the past few days. im really looking forward to my sleep tomorrow night so i can actually sleep in.
brittany and miley are the shit

were immature

and haha i love it.

the past like 2 weeks or so, so many things have happened, lots of stupid town dramas, lots of other stuff that i never thought would have.

i moved into the town bum flat, me, miley, conor, chelsea, and luke live there atm. well mileys only staying with me until she like, sorts shit with her mum. i heard tonight her mums been thinking shes missing for over a week, and her phones been flat so she kinda has been hahah. she added me on facebook and sent me a mail.
"what have you done with my daughter"
hahahahah nah but that would be fucking funny if she did send me that.

its so much fun living there close to town, with friends, drinking like everynight and doing whatever the fuck we want. me and miley have developed a habit of running around the block of units topless. we kick the guys out of our rooms to watch stupid girly movies that are awesome, we made outfits out of supre bags, miniskirts, stockings, high heels, put make up on did our hair stupidly and got lollypops hahah, walked in to see the guys who were shocked especially with me doing things like that. then decided wed walk down the road and see how many beeps we got.

LISA drove past and yelled and beeped at us which was crackup. then it got too hard to walk in high heels so we went back.
weve made friends with a few people in the other units already, thats pretty awesome. all the guys in the surrounding units love me and mileys flashing and dirty dancing and dry humping and making out through the window.

so i guess i dont have much to write about really except for the fact that im so glad that ive stopped having all my sad and bad tiemz and started having fun and being happy and stuff again now.

shit

you can fuck off you ugly crusty whorebag.
fuck you and your fucking face.

tryna fucking get us in shit by twisting stories and lying all your fucking mutt faces off.

grow the fuck up bitches

dear blogger

ive actually been really happy lately. for the past week i think, ish. like a couple of weeks ago id be moody all the time and get down and blank and do stupid shit and what not. but now this week im back to having fun and feeling better again so im happy about that :)

i dont really have much to say, town is fun, weve been doing silly shit, taking videos, getting drunk, having fun, all the good stuff. i cant be fucked writing about every little drunken night or fun story though.

its funny how town groups kinda change around. like ill be hanging out with certain people a whole lot for a while, then switch around to some different town bums, yeah. this lot is good and fun though. theyre having a lot of dramas brought on mostly by miley and munter lol. but yeah. thats just kids for you. the people im hanging out with now are mostly adults anyway so its kinda cool that way.

fun tiemz with awesome people

i had so much fun in town the past 2 days. yesterday breasticles bought some booze for us all and we played around in cybernutz for a while, then later went back to luke and chelseas, where we body painted everyone and took lots of pictures. im looking forward to when luke puts them on the net lol. um yeah it was me, miley, cs up, luke, chelsea, and breasticles. pretty paintings everywhere ahah. mad mike came wandering along at some point and cs up chased him away lol.

eventually at like 2 or 3am we got tired and since cs up was in conors room and she snores like a motherfucking bitch haha me and miley slept on the floor upstairs :/ but was so worth it not being woken up all night by cs ups terrible snoring lol.

in the morning got a text from lex so i dragged myself up and started drinking the leftover vodka which was like half a bottle. i couldnt find my bra and tshirt so just had to walk down the road with my jacket on and nothing underneath and holy fuck it was so fucking hot! i met emma along the way and she gave me a top to wear though so that was better.

met lex and river and hunter and marcus down by the bridge of remembrance where we sat around smoking and talking and shit for a while, me drinking, then i got real tired or something and comad on the grass beside us. then conor and brittany came along then talked some more and they had to go back to school, me and conor walked with them, went up to some really random roof of the exchange which ive never ever seen before strangley... or even knew about haha. then we walked back to town and met the others around hack, went to have a sesh with conor and this random guy, well i sat around drinking, talked for like half an hour then went back to hack again.
conor had his top off so i joined in, sitting around with the paint still all over me, if guys can sit with their tops off and its fine then i should be able to as well. we wandered around the square for a bit, went to the catherdral but got kicked out pretty much as soon as i walked in. i tried to get a photo with me and the guy who was telling me it was very inappropriate and he wasnt very impressed lol got real stressed out hahahah.
talked to random strangers in the square and got lots of looks and stares and pictures taken of me hahahh..
umm walked around back to hack, i think this was when miley came to town and she still had some of her paint on so she got her top off as well.. we walked around heaps more, around the city, through the bus exchange hahahahhaha. it was so much fun.
blah blah walked around topless for ages being silly etc etc, sat back in hack and people took lots of pictures of us.

this dude with a big camera was taking heaps and lol he gave me his card and told me to look at his site and like wants me to be a model for his XXX pictures cuz i looked at the site before and it had that section on it, HAHAHAHAHHAHA im just waiting for the ones he took today to go up there.. hopefully they will because thatd be crackup as! and he got some devevloped and printed like 10 copies and gave it to me for free so i passed them around the town bums that were in the pic, kept a few though.

at some point walked around we found nymph and typical she joins in and is topless as well. haha i got yoghurt that brittany poured down me licked off by some random girl that i dont even know lol.
eventually got in trouble with the cops and they took our names down and all that shit and told us to cover. by this point i was shaky as fuck and feeling like i was gonna faint prob from the mix of drinking/smoking/epic heat/no food so i went and got maccas with munter and then passed out upstairs there for half an hour. came back outside and fucked around for a bit more and yeah thats pretty much it. everyone fucked off real early from town today so i just bused to lexs to visit her for a bit then walked home cuz the bus was taking too long to come -_-;

im so happy though because town lately has just been shit for me and everything was shit and i kept on getting upset but today was like one of the really good town days that i used to have everyday :) just have to have heaps of fun and do silly stuff cuz life is so much better when you do :) :)

progress of my no internet day

hahah so i woke up once at about ten to 9, once at 10amish, once at 12ish, and finally got up at 12.47

i showered, blasted music, did a fashion parade trying to decide what to wear, did my hair, made food, blasted more music, lifted weights, played guitar.
then mum picked me up.

so far so good with no internet.

she nagged me most of the way home, about fighting, friends, saving money, and pretty much everything else. she says its because she worries about me and doesnt want me getting hurt, which is fine i guess but she neednt nag me to show her worry because all that does is get me angry at her and cause an argument/fight.

got to mums and went straight away to my old yearbooks, found chelsea and emma hahahah, then went through all my old shit. found some stuff that i thought was gone and lost forever so im happy. my mp3 player doesnt freakin work. time for a new one i guess.
fucked around some more at mums, played with my cat, talked to my brother. now i want to leave but mums watching some stupid tv and doesnt want to move til her shows over -______-;;;;;

so here i am at 4.40pm, on the internet. i lasted pretty much 4 hours into my day.

great effort celeste, well-fucking-done.

internetzzzz

i love how ive nothing better to do than NOTHING ALL DAY.
ive been half assedly playing runescape for the past 3 hours now. why? i have no idea.
im bored.

i dont want sleep.
theres nothing else to do.
what the fuck else can i do.

i swear i absolutely cannot go one day without the internet.
ill try tomorrow and let you know how i get on.
ill record the time i get up and then the time i last until.

i have no hope in myself already cause i highly doubt ill be able to do it but yeah. ill see.

so why am i playing runescape again? im sure i can find much better things to do when im bored.... gosh..

im still not going to leave the house until my lip heals a bit. at least a bit.

i want to be drunk and happy and funny and just a -little- silly again. but i know that doesnt happen now. why does it always take so much to get drunk? why am i always getting moody? really, whats wrong? god. i know ill achieve nothing if i just sit around at home all day. i should get out then at least im living, instead of sulking and hibernating. at least theres human interactions etc.

oh yeah that actually reminds me. mum wanted me to go and see her tomorrow. well today. since its nearly 4am.

so maybe i will progress with my no internet diet. ill get up. shower. get dressed. maybe food. go to mums. whatever. then to town. then home on the last bus? hmmm. sounds like a plan.
HEY I MIGHT WIN.

fucking rage

stupid fucking bitch cunts. all iw anted to do was smack their fucking faces in or fucking kill them. it hink the second option would have been fine. i dont want to be one of these fuckwits that carry a weapon around with them but honestly this is the second fucking time in less than a week that something has happened to my friends and ive been there both times and if i had something, shit would be a whole lot different.

they would be fucking dead.

this skankster bitch.
id gotten into an argument with it beforehand, it had followed us and it pushed me. lex pushed it back and it smacked her one. i fucked raged. i couldnt help it. it had given me a bleeding lip in our earlier fight. i didnt even fucking care but the moment it fucking touched my fucking friends. i had to be held back, i dont even know, before i fucking killed it. it sent me into actual tears of rage. ive never been even that angry before that ive started crying but i did and i kept on crying and crying and people took me away from it trying not to get into some massive fight or whatever and im walking along crying and bleeding everywhere and i dont fucking care im just raaaage and rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggge and RRRAAAGGGEEE!!!!!!!

whatever, i walked out down platform b raging and crying and bleeding, i walked around by myself and sat at some back bit crying for a while before friends came. id texted steph and pretty much as soon as they found out where i was brittany and steph where there with their arms around me. i dont even get how theyd gotten there so fast. this night had been intense. first off there was catching up with beth and talking for like 5 hours about all this deep and meaningful shit that had me wanting my mother. iw as actually fucking saying, i want my mum. and then everything was fine and were at sparks in the park and drinking and saw everyone and then this shit and fucking
hell
fuck

i fucKing wont fucking stand for seeing my fucking friends get hurt especially right in fucking front of me. noone fucking does that!

NOONE FUCKING DOES THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOONE!!!

i couldnt stop fucking crying for the rest of the niight up until now cause id like fallen asleep on the floor for who knows how long. my head hurts and my lip hurts and i just want to hold onto something tonight cause wtf fucking im just fucking immensely mad and i cant fucking describe how much rage i felt when i saw her getting hit like that it just... fuck.....

this is going to take me a while to come down from. for fucks sake. NOONE FUCKING FUCKS WITH MY FRIENDS WHEN IM AROUND OR I WILL JUST FUCKING RAGE AND I DONT CARE IF I LOOK FUCKING CHILDISH AND CUTE AND FUCKING WHATEVER ELSE PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME I LOOK WHEN IM ANGRY IM JUST FUCKING MAD AND YOU SHOULDNT FUCKING MESS WITH THAT SHIT

and i know im a fucking tiny weak bitch and i cant fucking do shit but ill still fucking get insane and fuck it hurts so much but fucki dont fucking care and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i want to fucking SCREAM!!!!!!
im going to fucking start using hagathas weight things that i fucing stole from her which are mels i think but what fucking ever who the fuck cares whose they were i have them now and im fucking going to get some fucking punch behind my arms.

blah

ahhh fuck

saying this outloud as i start this blog.

im not even sure.
i dont know anything

i never know anything.

i spent about 45 minutes in the park laying down tonight after packing a sad in town then going home.

i guess id been in town for 13 and a halfish hours.

but i duno.

beth and andrea came and dragged me off the couch where i was spooning with beka which was nice heh.
they got annoying though because they tried forcing me to go and drink with them and i really didnt feel like it. for once. WHAT IS THIS!?

and they were really drunk and blah i dont know.

why do i always get like this when im in town and shit?

i didnt even want to leave but i didnt want to miss my last bus or anything and yeah i was just sitting there getting down and doing or saying fuck all.

so when i was in the park i tried to think about what it is that always bothers me. i didnt really come up with anything.

i know my life is going nowhere
i know i waste a lot of time on bullshit
i know i drink too much but thats only because everything is so much better and im just happy and crazy so why would i want to stop drinking
i know im kinda confused about who im liking and stuff at the moment
i know i take in a lot of other peoples problems and feel bad for them and shit
i know ive had troubles with my old friends which i fucked myself up over so bad and now everything has swung around and i broke down so much the other night when that happened

and thats about it right now.

but when i think about them they arent really that bad? like im not too bothered because nothing ever seems tto bother me? but sometimes i get in this mood where i am just down and i dont know i wont even feel like doing anything, NOT EVEN DRINKING WHICH CHEERS ME UP A FUCKLOAD BUT I JUST DONT WANT TO and when im in this mood one thing leads to another and yes bad tiemz.

it only used to happen like, not a lot, but now like its happening way too much and seems to be like nearly ever day. I DONT KNOW WHY AND IT FUCKS ME UPPPPPPPPP BECAUSE I DONT LIKE IT BUT I DO AND I WANT SOMEONE TO FIX IT OR SOMETHING BUT NO BECAUSE FUCK I DONT KNOW I FUCKING DONT KNOW ANYTHING I DONT KNOW WHY PEOPLE SHOULD CARE AND WATHRCJGSMDFKSCH,GSDKJHXGKFSDGCGX,SKDMKGDSJCFDSKXF
SDGDLSFKHCGSDFCGKCJXS'GF

DSF'MCHGDXKGKJKSRHCGMUJSEHMGIK,ERSLMKHGD
GESHGCJNERCGKSHGFSRJFR
SCGFSURCHDCERSXNHFMKDJSCHDGFRSHDSMKJSGHXHGSJRKXKCSGRDCGHXDFNRJECKESF

FUCK

i want to be able to reblog

If you love something, anyone, anything,
nihilnoetia:

then stop being so goddamn afraid of the consequences and go do something about it. You big gay baby.

dreammm

i had a really strange dream last night. i dont like the ones where someones trying to attack me and no matter what i do to them i dont seem to hurt them and they never go away. i was so relieved to wake up, not that it was a nightmare, just that i was getting so emotional in the dream and angry that i couldnt do anything it was really stressful.

at first i was part of this family but it was back in some olden day times, i had a big slop of a father who was really angry and fat and gross, i dont remember my mother but i had a little sister who was a baby, and my father would hit her and swing her around and throw her into the walls and i remember being really angry and sad about that but i couldnt do anything. then my sister was a piece of paper which my father folded up and that was hurting her, so i took her and held her to keep her safe.
he left and she was back into a human but wasnt a baby was a bit older, we were staring into the fire which was in a big oven-like thing, but old styles still. we were talking about something and i was trying to get her mind off our father beating her, but somehow i was like in tune with her because i shared her memories and she kept on getting flashes of him and all the abuse so i was getting them too.

then everything changed and my father and mother turned into these other people and we were all in a really beautiful forest and my father was building train tracks and my mother was playing piano next to him and theyd been doing that the past 12 years. my sister wasnt in the picture anymore but my father was still abusive towards me. a group of men came along and started to rough my up father for taking to long to build the tracks, because itd been 12 years and still not finished and it was only this small portion of forest bit that it was in, they said he had been wasting time doing nothing and had spent their money on a piano for my mother to sit there playing all these years. but then it wasnt my mother it was a woman named priscilla and i remember feeling a strong hatred for her.
the men chased my father around and started beating him, they left and my father came after me and i ran away and the forest changed into a house and some of my friends were there, i only recognized beth as being one of them, he was trying to hurt all of us and i remember throwing irons back and forth at him and they all hit him and i just brushed them away when he threw them at me. i remember being on top of him and slamming the iron into his face but it didnt seem to hurt him which was really frustrating. we all ran around the house a bit more throwing various objects and yeah thats when i woke up.

the only thing i liked about the dream was the forest that it was in was absolutely amazing and wow i want to go live there :(

i think its kinda strange that i remember like everything about my dreams so clearly pretty much every single night. and weird things that happen but i guess everyones dreams are weird. mine are pretty normal now because last year i always used to dream about the end of the world and aliens and stuff, which always used to leave me feeling strange for days. it used to be really vivid mystical sort of stuff. blah. i want those ones back.

night lol

well this was fun, ahah we fucked around for a while and went to new world then sat at a bus stop claiming mines, then we waited a bit for river then we decided to go home and river was there, and we went and drunk in a park, the sun was fucking amazing, went back after a while and gluttoned on fish and chips, sat around a while more then got dropped off home where we listened to music and sat outside smoking, brittany came home and we talked a while more, went inside and whored on the internet while listening to music, just went down to the park for like half an hour and played on the swings, flying fox, i curled up in the tunnel then lex and river came and we lay down a while just laying there not really saying anything which was a nice moment hahah. went back and are now whoring on the internet. im sure there was a lot more to tonight and possibly will be than im writing right now but im really happy and i hope everyone else is.

i hope brittany will be okay after the doctors tomorrow. i hope that guy will get more fucked up with everything that we plan for him, i hope everyone wont be sad anymore and sort out their problems because everyone being sad makes me sad as well and i know a lot of people are pretty fucked up right now and it never used to be like this. we used to be all young and innocent but everyones growing up, and all my friends that are younger than me are growing up waaaaay faster than i ever did, just different generations, but everyone has so many problems and all i want to do is fix them and make everyone happy again because i hate i hate i hate everyone being so sad, but then again noone is ever really okay. and is this what were meant to be like? is anyone out there actually really honestly truly happy? i doubt it. that sounds so pessimistic. but im just asking because i really doubt it.
people are so complicated, it all begins with attachment, attachment to other people, and other people arent in tune with us and everyone is so completely different even though we might like to believe a person weve met is our soulmate or whatever, but i just really doubt it. this reminds me of what my best high school friend hayley said the other day, ive posted it in a blog but i want to repeat it now because its so amazingly true..

because we fuck it up, noones tuned in with anyone else anough to make something work. we all going in completely different directions, and sometimes we cross eachothers paths and it seems like wow this might be it, but then we realise we were never on the same track at all, and then we get all upset.

there you go. thats it. thats just it. ily.

lol

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

fuckwit

you fucking cunt of a motherfucker.

youll get whats coming to you.

we will fucking smash you to within an inch of death.

if youre lucky.

this is good.

These kids have a lot to deal with, and it fucking sucks. I wish I could take it away from them, wish I could make their problems disappear, but I can't, and so I have to practice patience for the time being.

-stishylove

shit

god even i dont really know what the hell i was on about last night.

i was most likely being a dick the night anyway, seems to happen when im drunk, well i dont think i am and maybe i was fine but to others, no.

i remember getting in a lot of moods before the party.

first i was fine,

then i got angry/fearless, marching up to a gang of stupid skankster fucking bitch things that call themselves ysk or whatever the fuck. asking them what the fuck their problem was. i knew one of them so it wasnt really as badass as the people watching me and telling me not to go would have thought. all the fucking bitch girls vultured around me when they found out i had booze and all wanted some. fucking stupid little fuckers, honestly they should all fucking go die im so fucking sick of seeing them in the street and shit. as soon as someone has ANYTHING they fucking want it. what the fuck makes them think that anyone would freely give away shit to them. food, smokes, booze, spare change, whatever. fuck if i knew i only had a day to live or some shit i would buy a fucking gun and go around town fucking killing them all. fucking make me angry as fuck, i fucking hate those gangster shits. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway then i just got grumpy/fucked off/moody and i was about to go, but sat on the stairs at cybernuts for a bit and luke convinced me i should stay and go to daisys with them all. then i guess him and steph made me happy by talking etc.

then i decided to put my mp3 on and share a headphone with steph. for some reason i only played the sad kinda songs, like all the ones that used to make me cry or remind me of times or people so i kinda got down after that.

started to get drunker and blah blah blah. we caught the bus to daisys, where munter had convinced him to let me stay, so he was okay. i was nice to daisy that night.

random party happenings happened, then went home. pretty much.

i so should have slept on the lawn last night. it was a nice night. i think i would have if it hadnt of clouded over, but there wasnt really that many stars out anyway.

got woken at 8am, felt pretty gross and hungover anyway so i went out to get water and pretty much just ended up staying out here.

the morning sun is nice and i havent been awake this early in a long long time.

i feel kinda bad this morning though.

i want to take another break from town but i dont know why i cant stop going in. its probably because everyones all like oohhh celeste come to town come to town. and im pretty easily persuaded. its fun when youre there, but i dont know really how to say what i feel about it, afterwards its kinda like BLAH and im getting in moods a lot just being around there.

i think i mostly go on with the hope that ill see that ONE person, which never happens. maybe thats the cause of my moods, but i dont think so. i dont even know, maybe everything thats on my mind mixed with not being able to figure out why im getting upset and then not being able to tell the person i want to about everything thats been going onnnnn and then feeling bad because of other stuff and FUCK I DONT FUCKING KNOW WTF

I GIVE UP

FUCKING ONLY WANT 3 THINGS RIGHT NOW

I FEEL FUCKING SICK

you know whats funny. for actually the past 1 and a bit years i have done nothing but drink most nights of every single FUCKING WEEK. and thats how i deal with things. then when im sober and shit i get all fucked cause everything i block out with alcohol comes knocking me back.

i know this is not the best way to go about living, just fucking with my brain to push things away that i should be sorting out, but what even is there to sort out? everything has only really become fucked up last year. i used to be fine for at least a good 2 years before that. i think. i dont really remember actually, i remember so clear how last year went and all these major events but the past years were never as bad. i remember how i used to deal with things before the alchz, but thats not good, ive been doing a bit of that when shit gets shitty and it makes me feel better sure but its stupid. i dont even know why actually. WHY THE FUCK IS SOMETHING STUPID IF IT FUCKING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!? its not like it even hurts anyone else.

anyway im not sure. maybe theres nothing to actually fix and maybe its just me being all gloomy and shit for no reason. cause i dont know why.

OHHHHH SEE I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. before the booze, and after all the other ways, i blanked myself out with computer games and the internet. because when youre distracted with that shit you dont think about yourself or your own feelings or whatever. sometimes when playing games i would get unnecessarily sad, but yeah for the most part that was the way.

so what the fuck would i achieve if i spent a whole day somewhere, away, with nothing else, just to think about shit.

i couldnt do it because id just get bored without some sort of electronic device or person to talk to i guess.

WHAT THE FUCKS UP WITH THAT!?

and i went and sat on the deck in the sun this morning just doing nothing and i could only last like 5 minutes before i got bored. fuck.

they pick a fucking age and say right this is when you grow up. doesnt mean shit. im still just as lost as i was when i first left my childhood world and started learning shit about life. i dont even think im mature. what even is that? i think its more a case of being sensible, that most people think of. i know a lot of things but my problem is ive fucked with my brain cells too much and cant really put a lot of what i want to say into the right words.

i just got distracted a lot and lost my train of thought from before.

fuck all this i feel sick.

what

i thoguht about this just before but then i got distracted and ive kinda forgotten,

i think it never left because i forced it away and that never really works out for me when i do that. either i latched onto other things in an effort to break away from that and it might have gone away in a fleeting moment, im typing this very soberly because i want it to be a proper one so its taking me a while to go back and fix my mistakes..

i think its just the fleeting moments thing but now well its a bit different and i think the latching on didnt really work. well its still there but now theres another. i love making all these weird blogs where noone but me knows what the fuck im talking about. or maybe they do and im just stupid for thinking im being all cryptic or whatever. but still. you know. I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOFO.

also steph lol youre awesome i love you.

i will talk to you about what exactly this is about tomorrow or whenever i see you next.

right now im like in a really happy/bordering on hyper mood.

and i love it, its just like back in the fucking day. I FUCKING LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

what do i love? a lot of things. hahahahhahahahahha.

too fucked up. not really because im not stressing. just never been like THIS before. and everyone knows. i think so.

LOLZ DAISY

DAISYS MUM IS GOING TO CALL HIM DAISY ONW FUCK YES

oky im too drunk to write about this night proper atm butit wasfun we went to cybernuts aka new hack lolz and did stuff there adn played game and alost got in a fight with ysk niggers fuck them and i staunched over and talked to the fuckwites and it was like lolz and i crashed daisys party cuz i was banned but then it was pkay and the party was FUNNNUNUUNUNUNUNNNNNNNN yay and then we went home and lol i looked at ther stars but the gay clouds acame and they covered them! fuck i want maccas yummmmmmmmmmmmm yum yum deep fried omfg cheezburger with mayoa nd fries and fucking omg im making myslef feel so bad cuz i cant have it andi want it SO BAD#ISJFISDHGHFDGDHFGJDHGJDFH

adn drama gappened at the party but i fell alspee with miley on the swing for like and hour and that was cool and dancing on the pool cue that was dfun and yeah thats all i can think of to remember and its too earlyt and i want fooooooooooooooooood yummmmm

lolz

hahaha tonight is fun! we drank thern we drank some more and we went somewhere and drank and ressed upoo as old women and we drank and went back and we drank andeveryone like passed out or some shit!!! lame!!! but im still awake and i madea chicnek burger aand it was soooo great and omg i got mayo everywhere when iate it and iomg!!! ahhhahah danster and river and tits and LEX and me are all drinking well were but yeahhhhh im up all by myself and talking to mat on vent and YAY! ioshgfisjddngjkhngkuhsdk i dont know what to say but hey i have my vodka and its not even finished lolzlolzlolz and theres awhole another bottle and yay i wanna be awesome but theres noone to be awesome with boooohooooooooooooooooo jhdsgjkhs, xjfijdk,gidfhgkdjg

OHAI IMA LOlRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no fucking title

last night i wasnt going to drink at all. i was going to actually be good and go home again hahah. but typical me ends up drinking anyway and staying up til like 4am running around.

me and chelsea played COD 4 online with mat and some other randoms and C'S UP earlier which was pretty fun actually. even though we were shit and sucked and got killed even when we teamed up with each other to kill everyone else lol. CS UP was real fun to fight lol it was just me and her in this one map and id be up in a building and see her running around down below like a tard hahahha and just shoot her and laugh my ass off haha.

then we left at like 11 or something and went to work and on the way we came across a group of english guys who turned back to perve at us walking along with our maccas and wine in jackets hahah. we got smart to them and yelled and whatnot and lol chelsea threw her fries packet on the road and this mufti cop car that was turning the corner told her off and made her pick it up lol which she just threw down again when they were gone but yeah. and i was going to throw fries at the windows of the car but saw it was a pig inside and didnt lol.

we stalked the english guys to calendar girls, with chelsea trying to rub her burger in their face. then talked to the bouncer for a while.

got to work and had like this american guy pull up in a taxi and he wanted a threesome. went back to his hotel room and did fuck all, got paid and also scored some free booze and free valium.

were taking that today so that should be fun. i havent done it before.

then went back to buddhas but hed moved and now charlie is in that place and we fucked around for a bit finished our booze and walked to the 24 opposite the casino for more booze.

while waiting outside there was an asian man waiting in his car for his wife who'd gone into the shop. i opened the door and got in and started talking to him about all this random shit then scored a free smoke hahahhahah. it was great.

went back to charlies and fucked around drinking more etc. listened to cool songs on the radio. texted brittany for a bit then fell asleep hahah.

Nancy the Tavern Wench

So come take a drink and drown your sorrows
And all of our fears will be gone till tomorrow
We'll have no regrets and live for the day

Hayley

because we fuck it up, noones tuned in with anyone else anough to make something work. we all going in completely different directions, and sometimes we cross eachothers paths and it seems like wow this might be it, but then we realise we were never on the same track at all, and then we get all upset.

that was unexpected

today i was still in my mood, id spent all day in bed. id gone on wow and attempted to talk to people but they didnt really care. so i just got angry. the other computer was on and i wanted to change my background, ended up looking through all these old screenshots. from the time id just started up until me and everyone else and christie fucking around. seeing all those again and reminding me of what great times we used to have turned me into a sad mood so i went back online and talked to christie.

i ended up breaking down to her and crying because i was going on about how we used to be such great friends, talk all day, every day, we used to be so close and have so much fun and now well its been so long since we have and weve grown apart and nothing is like it used to. which sent me off in another break down about how everything seems to change and fuck up and all last year has been so fucked for me it just wasnt funny. my biggest thing last year was losing my group of friends which ive mentioned somewhere before, causing me to turn to others that werent the best to turn to, then sending me in a spiral of fucked upedness and alcoholism.

when i was with jill it was all too fucked because we both had a lot of stupid problems and i would sit there and cry and cry about my old friends among other things.. i eventually got over it and moved on and had been seeing different people anyway. but everything kept on changing and people would come and go and i dont really know still whose real and whose not, because noones constantly there, except what seems like the town bums i hang with at the moment since i seem to be with them pretty much everyday, getting to know everyone a lot more, but it all feels kind of surreal still, i dont know whether to trust it or not, either because i never imagined i would be hanging with people like from hack or because last time i had a solid group of friends things fucked up far too badly. im not really sure. its kinda seeming too good to be true.

i still needed a break from everything anyway. i think seeing too many people constantly isnt very good because i know i do need a lot of time to sort my own head out which cant really be done in a group of people.

i guess i do try to escape with drinking because you dont think about anything when youre drunk and you just have fun with friends and ive been pretty much drinking at least 3 times a week if not for a couple of weeks on end at some points for over a year now. it sucks cause im a bit of a heavyweight now, and im not sure what exactly im trying to escape FROM but thats what im laying it on.

anyway tonight i talked to christie, we talked how we used to, about lots of indepth crap. i cried a fair bit and she comforted me and just told me life shit that would help.

then leisha came on msn. she talked to me. for the first time in who knows how long. talked like we were still friends. she used to be just like a fucking older sister to me.

she apologized for new years, wanted to know how i was. i told her i wasnt in the best of moods but then kinda ended up talking anyway.

she told me she would welcome me back on some conditions that i wouldnt act like a drunk idiot and piss people off and be too rebellious etc.

she told me id been trying to live like a rockstar but cant pull it off as i am not and dont have the money for that.

i said things should be about having fun and its all just cheap thrills and not caring about anything.

thats what life should be like i suppose but we cant all do this because there are other sentient beings in this world and things just happen to revolve around EVERYTHING, not just what you want.

i ended up crying a whole lot more just because after all this time and after so long of fucking myself up over these people im finally allowed back to see them again.

these were my best friends.

my fucking family.

id spent the best years of my life with them.

having such great times.

fuck.

i could reminisce right here but shit, id probably end up crying again.

i dont even know if its a good or bad thing because id let it all go. not forgotten, but it didnt matter in my day to day life.

what if i let them back in and the same thing happens?

what if EVERYTHING!!>!>>!>!>!>!>?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!

sjrcugfshcgsmkehgjmkerundkmjgshkcghndshkgsecdxg

sdgkshdkgmjxsheiltuvcnsuirdkgksdnhcgiudesl;iugvnikcsrugu

escgs'ghcseurgitevynfcgisyeigdsergd

sevgcysmer

ygutseirgctmddirigtsergycsirgynvcs

miug

sergyisnureygjmsdiurxyiuresynkgumyeus@@@!#!$IO@#&%@O!!!!

i guess ill give it a go. leisha is the one who is inviting me back along and she is basically ringleader. if she says someone cant do something. they cant do it. ive still been sort of friends with jem and jasmine through this year but since leisha was so against me i havent been back in. even with new years. jem told me leisha was spazzing bout me crashing it, then ape just wanted to fight me. the fucking bitch. im glad everyone hates it anyway. such a waste of space.

i guess im kinda looking forward to it.

at least ive sorted half of my stupid mood out.

new priority list

1. Dont waste so much time on shit

2. Start trying to learn guitar more often

3. Road code > licence

4. Dont spend so much money on booze

5. Stop getting distracted by the net

6. Start saving a bit each pay for later this year or next year whenever that holiday is

7. XT phone > unlimited texts

8. Give less of a fuck

like ive got nothing to say

ive been in this weird mood the past couple of days. ive had it before. i remember back then. i told myself i never wanted to have it again after the first time. i think i did myspace blog about those times. gonna go read them now.

20 min later.... oh how i love going back over those old ones. i used to get up to some crazy shit and actually bothered writing about them! go me.

heres a re-post of my blog from the last time i felt fucked up.

apparently i look sad or angry when im just sitting down doing nothing. i dont try to look like anything while im doing that sort of thing. just have a blank expression or one that changes with whats happening on the tv.

and today im feeling something that i havent felt in a while and never thought id feel again.

scarff would remember, i was talking to her that day, unfortunately she isnt talking to me at the moment. just like a lot of people and i dont even know why anymore.

it was probably after a week or so at jills and id wandered into town in the afternoon. ended up in a park somewhere not really knowing where i was and really not feeling right. after a couple of hours i turned up at home, not really knowing how. and i was some weird mix of angry or sad and i couldnt explain why. i think i cried that whole afternoon and into the night. not knowing why. i was totally blank that day and all i wanted to do was that.

i guess its not as bad because im not fucked up on a months worth of alcohol. excluding last night i actually havent drunk since last friday night. and last night i couldnt even finish my one bottle of cheap wine. and i havent been heavily drinking like i was. just go to town on the weekends sometimes which does get pretty bad but one night a week isnt bad.

point anyway. this angry/sad/blank mood is really something i want to stay away from. its fine to be any one of those 3 things, only separately and for reasons. that you can understand why. not for fucking who knows what.

and yeah so now its back and i dont know what to do about it and i still dont know why i get in those moods. im not going to say exactly what i thought the first time. its still clear. it just better not happen again or im fucked cause i end up doing really stupid stuff. i know it seems okay like it will be fine at the time but after then its kinda like well fuck that was fucking dumb. i know i can get something tonight to and i do want to but i dont know exactly HOW and i think i got rid of all that shit the last time i was being a fuckwit.

i came home tonight all upset still and i wish i knew how to play guitar properly cause instead of playing something actually nice i sat and made noise but it wasnt fulfilling. at the backpackers there was this acoustic guitar which sounded really nice and i was playing that for ages while C'S UP played grand theft auto on our all nighter phase. but i guess i would have to have my amp up here for it to sound like better.

but its like, fuck this shit, im all moody and blank and i dont know whyyy, there is a fuckload of things on my mind that i will never say. too much to think about. too much has been going on. i love all these people ive been meeting but i dont want to be around them because theyre just going to annoy me by asking whats wrong. so fuck you going to town. i dont think im going to do that until i feel better. but i want to see people at the same time. well i guess only certain people.

its annoying because the 2 that i want to see the most, i cant really.

maybe ill just spent the next week laying in bed.

fuck you now ive gone from kinda angry to back to sad and I DONT FUCKING WANT SRDJSKJKDSFKFKXDUESTRFNGDUXIUNDFHCFSKIRDWE/;E@!$%@####$@q@##@@!@

RAGE SMASH FUCK NOW I DONT FUCKING KNOW JUST FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING

i dont know if the internets good or bad because itll make me blank but i do want to go away and have some sort of think tonight while still being awake.

im torn cause i want net but it wont LET ME THINK FUCK YOU!

oh my godddddddddddddddddddd fuck im getting little rage bursts because I DONT KNOW and it goes away and im all tense and WANNA SCREAM AND EXPLODE AND FUCK but then i dont again, why the FUCK AM I EVEN WRITING THIS!

im right on the edge i FUCKING SWEAR!

this whole fucking week

its fucking cold.

im in bed with blankets and actual pjs on.

and this has been the first time ive slept here since last sunday.

not counting the 2 hours i came home to shower and change and passed out accidently.

its effort to remember this but i will try.

monday. what did i do?

wandered around shirley with C'S UP!, yelling for daisy on the streets, sat in the trippy lights room at the palms which was amazing when its dark outside.

walked to fattys when jack never showed up.

waited for jack some more at the bustop, like an hour in total i think. found out she wasnt even fucken coming.

had to wait for kayla to get back and pick us up with the car, got real angry and impatient and shouted and yelled and made a fuss and made someone yell out their window at us to shut the fuck up. graffitied the bustop and tried to kick the glass out. failed at that. finally got picked up, went to hannahs to pick up her and briah, then out to like an hour outta chch, it was raining hardout and we just pretty much drank and ran around being stupid um playing music, talking, drawing all over C'S UP lol not me this time suprisingly. had a fucking good time, went to sleep on the couch with briah hahah and woke up at like 11 to hannah watching tyra and there was like this group of gays and bis and a tranny which was hilarious. the day was un-fucking-believably hot, we fucked around for a while being bra-less in the sun and playing on creatures motorbike then went back into town. 4 of us in the car all had just our bras on lol and were fucking speeding down the country roads, pushing it over 180, fuck knows how fast we were actually going, sticking half out the windows, yelling, being stupid, and still when we got to town had all the windows down and attracted a lot of attention, it was great.

thats all i can remember from then.

tuesday.

fucking around in town, tuesday is my payday so that was great. a few of us wandered down from hack to pak n save to buy a bag of chips and a fizzy. in pak n save we came across FUCKING $4 BOTTLES OF WINE!!!!!!!!!!

we werent even planning on drinking but yeah, we saw that and bought 8 bottles. lol.

took them to the gardens and drank there for a bit. it was me, connor, C'S UP, and jacob. we met luke in the gardens, then met steph a bit later.

went back into the gardens and fucked around some more, jacob was being dumb and idiotic so we sent him off home, then went into town i think, kinda starting to get a blur around here, went back down to pak n save to meet brittany and lex and buy their booze for them. also get more for us because wed drunk all of ours. but fucking pak n save was like just closing so i bullshit to the guy i was on the rag and bleeding everywere and needed shit, he went to talk to some guy inside and came back out telling me nah i wasnt allowed in. so i got angry but went to countdown cause its open later, but no cheap booze.

blah blah ended up countdown wouldnt fucking sell me the booze because they thought i was with brittany and lex who were waiting around for me, so they got the manager and i argued with him a lot and luke came in and attempted to save my ass, but failed also. so i just ended up abusing the manager fuckwit who took it like a bitch. we sent steph in though and she got everything alright.

went back to town and i think met robbie, kieran, and some other friend of theirs.

went and sat down in a carpark on manny for ages,

went back to town to buy more booze,

some drama shit happened on the way, whatever.

went back to the carpark cause lex lost her phone there,

found it,

sat for ages,

had to leave cause the others were cold or something, which kinda sucked lol cause i was having fun there and could have actual slept there that night.

so we taxied to mad mikes in addington somewhere, brittany and robbie walked. they showed up a bit later and it was like 5am or some shit by this time. me and lex stayed up til 6am to watch the sunrise which was really beautiful, robbie and brittany ninjaed our bed so we slept on this concrete floor on top of shoes and clothes and whatever the fuck else.

wednesday.

met kirsten in town pretty early. we decided we wanted to booze, so we did. mished down to pak n save and bought more cheap wine and a couple of cans from henrys, sat in a park thing down by hoyts for a bit and drank like 1 can, then back to town cause she had an appt. that didnt take long and after we kinda ditched everyone and went and sat on an island on a river. which lasted most of the afternoon. it was that little one by the waterwheel and right by the pig station hahah. we made a flag using a subway wrapper and nailpolish and called it "C DOG, K DOG, AWESOME ALCHZ ASS"

we fucked around there for a bit being awesome and having girl tiemz lol doing makeup and nails and whatever, before we were joined by kirstens bf... sigh..............

then C'S UP and mad mike rocked up

then kirsten kidnapped me.

drove me out to hornby to have drinks with some of her and the bfs friends, that was okay. pretty up and down really cause there was this little kitten which set kirsten off with bad memory tiemz so she rang up her parents and started crying heaps to them about all this stuff and i was comforting her and yeahhhh after that we sat around and talked and drunk pretty much. me and her went for some wander down the road but the bf and his friend came out after like 5 minutes of us being gone. so much for that.

there was this reallllllll drunk guy there, kirstens flatmate, he was fucking falling everywhere lol and like started crying or something, noone could hold him up we had to drag him lol we took him home and spent about 15 minutes trying to actually get him in the car.

kirsten told me i was about as drunk as that the other wednesday night. shock horror ahaha he was terrible! but then again i have no memory of 4 or 5 fucking hours of my life and woke up with all these cuts and shit everywhere so yeahhhh DAMN THAT NIGHT AND MY MEMORY BEING FUCKED DASEJRCFDIOSOSEILROPEAWIOPDSIMSAO!!!!!

anyway we got home they sorted him out and kirsten made me this fucking niceeeeee bed out of two couches and it was warm and shit and i remember having real trippy dreams and not knowing if they were real or not cause some parts were like stuff was happening in the exact same place i was so yeah im not sure about that lol.

thursday.

cold and rainy. im feeling the pain of not being home in since monday. i was about to go home but i met mat in hack and he told me to come along with him and connor and a few others to drink with them. i agreed but he had to ask his parents first so we mished to the hospital where they worked to find them, but by the time wed done that connor had already left so we decided to just go back go mats to drink.

its funny cause that day was ultimate cold and i was wearing just fishnets, short jean shorts, tshirt, and my jacket with sleeves rolled up. but id gotten so fucking used to the cold by then it didnt really bother me ahah.

anyway we went and got our booze and went to the palms to wait for his dad to pick us up from there. went to the trippy lights bit and there was a group of mall skanks up there. about 10 of them. we sat down, they took one look at us and "had to go".

after they left they came back up the elevator about 4 or 5 times to look out and shout things at us, giggle, run back in, and do it again. it wasnt anything bad just stupid shit like "kia ora" and "can i have a smoke? just joking!"

it was pretty funny.

then a group of like little teenage boys came and mat reckoned they were eyeing me up, we had a smoke and left.

mats is like in marshlands, pretty much middle of nowhere. we sat in this shed barn thing, played xbox for a bit and then pretty much sat around and talked the whole night.

made a bed on the floor out of couch cushions. had more trippy dreams.

friday.

i think i came home this day. for a bit. id been drinking the leftover vodka from the previous night so was drunk again. i stumbled into brittanys room and found her and robbie. then i went upstairs, fucked around? came out and they were in the lounge. watched them play second life while continuing to drink. ate some pizza then some fries. had a shower and changed clothes fucking finally. passed out on my bed for about 2 hours. did my hair and makeup, tried to check the past 5 days of facebook but i got up to like 2 days worth of shit within half an hour so honestly couldnt be fucked going any further back.

went back into town with robbie, met up with C'S UP and mad mike, i bought her a pack of fart bombs from the dairy so we had so much fun in the exchange setting those off. i was crying from laughter hahahahah. ummm after a while we met with steph, luke, and jack. i think thats all it was.

made some money, mished to all these booze stores, seriously every one that was in town was closed though. then i think kieran joined us. we decided to go clubbing anyway, so went to cruz. steph and lukes first time, it was pretty fun even though we were all sober. i bought me and C'S UP double shots of vodka each, and some random guy bought me a woody when he saw me and steph dancing together, up on the pole hahahaha. luke was videoing us, steph took a few pictures. it was good fun. at like 3am we left, met up with robbie and kieran again, went to hagley park, lay down for ages watching the stars.

i was quite keen to crash there for the night, i wasnt cold even though it was a pretty cold night. but as mike and C'S UP were leaving, bloody mike pulled me up from the ground then i couldnt find my fucking warm spot so i started to get fucking cold.

so we walked back to robbies, on the way back went across to hagley and fucked around with sprinklers and i kicked a few fence posts in. we knocked over all these road cones down addington ways, made a line of them across the street blocking the road lol, then played on some playground til like 5am.

got back to robbies and ended up sleeping at about 6am.

saturday.

woke up at 4pm.

fish and chip shop.

fries with cheese and mayo.

rainy and cold.

busing into town.

find C'S UP and kieran.

sit around in the rain and cold.

decide were going to stephs.

get booze.

meet brittany.

bus to linwood.

drink a bit and play crash team racing.

havent played that in ages!

i decide not to drink. cbf.

bus back to town.

lose brittany robbie and kieran.

maccas.

meet mike and leafy.

everyone decides to go clubbing.

i fuck off home.

empty house.

make noise on guitar.

go to bed.

internet.