this is good.

These kids have a lot to deal with, and it fucking sucks. I wish I could take it away from them, wish I could make their problems disappear, but I can't, and so I have to practice patience for the time being.

-stishylove

shit

god even i dont really know what the hell i was on about last night.

i was most likely being a dick the night anyway, seems to happen when im drunk, well i dont think i am and maybe i was fine but to others, no.

i remember getting in a lot of moods before the party.

first i was fine,

then i got angry/fearless, marching up to a gang of stupid skankster fucking bitch things that call themselves ysk or whatever the fuck. asking them what the fuck their problem was. i knew one of them so it wasnt really as badass as the people watching me and telling me not to go would have thought. all the fucking bitch girls vultured around me when they found out i had booze and all wanted some. fucking stupid little fuckers, honestly they should all fucking go die im so fucking sick of seeing them in the street and shit. as soon as someone has ANYTHING they fucking want it. what the fuck makes them think that anyone would freely give away shit to them. food, smokes, booze, spare change, whatever. fuck if i knew i only had a day to live or some shit i would buy a fucking gun and go around town fucking killing them all. fucking make me angry as fuck, i fucking hate those gangster shits. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway then i just got grumpy/fucked off/moody and i was about to go, but sat on the stairs at cybernuts for a bit and luke convinced me i should stay and go to daisys with them all. then i guess him and steph made me happy by talking etc.

then i decided to put my mp3 on and share a headphone with steph. for some reason i only played the sad kinda songs, like all the ones that used to make me cry or remind me of times or people so i kinda got down after that.

started to get drunker and blah blah blah. we caught the bus to daisys, where munter had convinced him to let me stay, so he was okay. i was nice to daisy that night.

random party happenings happened, then went home. pretty much.

i so should have slept on the lawn last night. it was a nice night. i think i would have if it hadnt of clouded over, but there wasnt really that many stars out anyway.

got woken at 8am, felt pretty gross and hungover anyway so i went out to get water and pretty much just ended up staying out here.

the morning sun is nice and i havent been awake this early in a long long time.

i feel kinda bad this morning though.

i want to take another break from town but i dont know why i cant stop going in. its probably because everyones all like oohhh celeste come to town come to town. and im pretty easily persuaded. its fun when youre there, but i dont know really how to say what i feel about it, afterwards its kinda like BLAH and im getting in moods a lot just being around there.

i think i mostly go on with the hope that ill see that ONE person, which never happens. maybe thats the cause of my moods, but i dont think so. i dont even know, maybe everything thats on my mind mixed with not being able to figure out why im getting upset and then not being able to tell the person i want to about everything thats been going onnnnn and then feeling bad because of other stuff and FUCK I DONT FUCKING KNOW WTF

I GIVE UP

FUCKING ONLY WANT 3 THINGS RIGHT NOW

I FEEL FUCKING SICK

you know whats funny. for actually the past 1 and a bit years i have done nothing but drink most nights of every single FUCKING WEEK. and thats how i deal with things. then when im sober and shit i get all fucked cause everything i block out with alcohol comes knocking me back.

i know this is not the best way to go about living, just fucking with my brain to push things away that i should be sorting out, but what even is there to sort out? everything has only really become fucked up last year. i used to be fine for at least a good 2 years before that. i think. i dont really remember actually, i remember so clear how last year went and all these major events but the past years were never as bad. i remember how i used to deal with things before the alchz, but thats not good, ive been doing a bit of that when shit gets shitty and it makes me feel better sure but its stupid. i dont even know why actually. WHY THE FUCK IS SOMETHING STUPID IF IT FUCKING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!? its not like it even hurts anyone else.

anyway im not sure. maybe theres nothing to actually fix and maybe its just me being all gloomy and shit for no reason. cause i dont know why.

OHHHHH SEE I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. before the booze, and after all the other ways, i blanked myself out with computer games and the internet. because when youre distracted with that shit you dont think about yourself or your own feelings or whatever. sometimes when playing games i would get unnecessarily sad, but yeah for the most part that was the way.

so what the fuck would i achieve if i spent a whole day somewhere, away, with nothing else, just to think about shit.

i couldnt do it because id just get bored without some sort of electronic device or person to talk to i guess.

WHAT THE FUCKS UP WITH THAT!?

and i went and sat on the deck in the sun this morning just doing nothing and i could only last like 5 minutes before i got bored. fuck.

they pick a fucking age and say right this is when you grow up. doesnt mean shit. im still just as lost as i was when i first left my childhood world and started learning shit about life. i dont even think im mature. what even is that? i think its more a case of being sensible, that most people think of. i know a lot of things but my problem is ive fucked with my brain cells too much and cant really put a lot of what i want to say into the right words.

i just got distracted a lot and lost my train of thought from before.

fuck all this i feel sick.

what

i thoguht about this just before but then i got distracted and ive kinda forgotten,

i think it never left because i forced it away and that never really works out for me when i do that. either i latched onto other things in an effort to break away from that and it might have gone away in a fleeting moment, im typing this very soberly because i want it to be a proper one so its taking me a while to go back and fix my mistakes..

i think its just the fleeting moments thing but now well its a bit different and i think the latching on didnt really work. well its still there but now theres another. i love making all these weird blogs where noone but me knows what the fuck im talking about. or maybe they do and im just stupid for thinking im being all cryptic or whatever. but still. you know. I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOFO.

also steph lol youre awesome i love you.

i will talk to you about what exactly this is about tomorrow or whenever i see you next.

right now im like in a really happy/bordering on hyper mood.

and i love it, its just like back in the fucking day. I FUCKING LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

what do i love? a lot of things. hahahahhahahahahha.

too fucked up. not really because im not stressing. just never been like THIS before. and everyone knows. i think so.

LOLZ DAISY

DAISYS MUM IS GOING TO CALL HIM DAISY ONW FUCK YES

oky im too drunk to write about this night proper atm butit wasfun we went to cybernuts aka new hack lolz and did stuff there adn played game and alost got in a fight with ysk niggers fuck them and i staunched over and talked to the fuckwites and it was like lolz and i crashed daisys party cuz i was banned but then it was pkay and the party was FUNNNUNUUNUNUNUNNNNNNNN yay and then we went home and lol i looked at ther stars but the gay clouds acame and they covered them! fuck i want maccas yummmmmmmmmmmmm yum yum deep fried omfg cheezburger with mayoa nd fries and fucking omg im making myslef feel so bad cuz i cant have it andi want it SO BAD#ISJFISDHGHFDGDHFGJDHGJDFH

adn drama gappened at the party but i fell alspee with miley on the swing for like and hour and that was cool and dancing on the pool cue that was dfun and yeah thats all i can think of to remember and its too earlyt and i want fooooooooooooooooood yummmmm

lolz

hahaha tonight is fun! we drank thern we drank some more and we went somewhere and drank and ressed upoo as old women and we drank and went back and we drank andeveryone like passed out or some shit!!! lame!!! but im still awake and i madea chicnek burger aand it was soooo great and omg i got mayo everywhere when iate it and iomg!!! ahhhahah danster and river and tits and LEX and me are all drinking well were but yeahhhhh im up all by myself and talking to mat on vent and YAY! ioshgfisjddngjkhngkuhsdk i dont know what to say but hey i have my vodka and its not even finished lolzlolzlolz and theres awhole another bottle and yay i wanna be awesome but theres noone to be awesome with boooohooooooooooooooooo jhdsgjkhs, xjfijdk,gidfhgkdjg

OHAI IMA LOlRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no fucking title

last night i wasnt going to drink at all. i was going to actually be good and go home again hahah. but typical me ends up drinking anyway and staying up til like 4am running around.

me and chelsea played COD 4 online with mat and some other randoms and C'S UP earlier which was pretty fun actually. even though we were shit and sucked and got killed even when we teamed up with each other to kill everyone else lol. CS UP was real fun to fight lol it was just me and her in this one map and id be up in a building and see her running around down below like a tard hahahha and just shoot her and laugh my ass off haha.

then we left at like 11 or something and went to work and on the way we came across a group of english guys who turned back to perve at us walking along with our maccas and wine in jackets hahah. we got smart to them and yelled and whatnot and lol chelsea threw her fries packet on the road and this mufti cop car that was turning the corner told her off and made her pick it up lol which she just threw down again when they were gone but yeah. and i was going to throw fries at the windows of the car but saw it was a pig inside and didnt lol.

we stalked the english guys to calendar girls, with chelsea trying to rub her burger in their face. then talked to the bouncer for a while.

got to work and had like this american guy pull up in a taxi and he wanted a threesome. went back to his hotel room and did fuck all, got paid and also scored some free booze and free valium.

were taking that today so that should be fun. i havent done it before.

then went back to buddhas but hed moved and now charlie is in that place and we fucked around for a bit finished our booze and walked to the 24 opposite the casino for more booze.

while waiting outside there was an asian man waiting in his car for his wife who'd gone into the shop. i opened the door and got in and started talking to him about all this random shit then scored a free smoke hahahhahah. it was great.

went back to charlies and fucked around drinking more etc. listened to cool songs on the radio. texted brittany for a bit then fell asleep hahah.

Nancy the Tavern Wench

So come take a drink and drown your sorrows
And all of our fears will be gone till tomorrow
We'll have no regrets and live for the day

Hayley

because we fuck it up, noones tuned in with anyone else anough to make something work. we all going in completely different directions, and sometimes we cross eachothers paths and it seems like wow this might be it, but then we realise we were never on the same track at all, and then we get all upset.

that was unexpected

today i was still in my mood, id spent all day in bed. id gone on wow and attempted to talk to people but they didnt really care. so i just got angry. the other computer was on and i wanted to change my background, ended up looking through all these old screenshots. from the time id just started up until me and everyone else and christie fucking around. seeing all those again and reminding me of what great times we used to have turned me into a sad mood so i went back online and talked to christie.

i ended up breaking down to her and crying because i was going on about how we used to be such great friends, talk all day, every day, we used to be so close and have so much fun and now well its been so long since we have and weve grown apart and nothing is like it used to. which sent me off in another break down about how everything seems to change and fuck up and all last year has been so fucked for me it just wasnt funny. my biggest thing last year was losing my group of friends which ive mentioned somewhere before, causing me to turn to others that werent the best to turn to, then sending me in a spiral of fucked upedness and alcoholism.

when i was with jill it was all too fucked because we both had a lot of stupid problems and i would sit there and cry and cry about my old friends among other things.. i eventually got over it and moved on and had been seeing different people anyway. but everything kept on changing and people would come and go and i dont really know still whose real and whose not, because noones constantly there, except what seems like the town bums i hang with at the moment since i seem to be with them pretty much everyday, getting to know everyone a lot more, but it all feels kind of surreal still, i dont know whether to trust it or not, either because i never imagined i would be hanging with people like from hack or because last time i had a solid group of friends things fucked up far too badly. im not really sure. its kinda seeming too good to be true.

i still needed a break from everything anyway. i think seeing too many people constantly isnt very good because i know i do need a lot of time to sort my own head out which cant really be done in a group of people.

i guess i do try to escape with drinking because you dont think about anything when youre drunk and you just have fun with friends and ive been pretty much drinking at least 3 times a week if not for a couple of weeks on end at some points for over a year now. it sucks cause im a bit of a heavyweight now, and im not sure what exactly im trying to escape FROM but thats what im laying it on.

anyway tonight i talked to christie, we talked how we used to, about lots of indepth crap. i cried a fair bit and she comforted me and just told me life shit that would help.

then leisha came on msn. she talked to me. for the first time in who knows how long. talked like we were still friends. she used to be just like a fucking older sister to me.

she apologized for new years, wanted to know how i was. i told her i wasnt in the best of moods but then kinda ended up talking anyway.

she told me she would welcome me back on some conditions that i wouldnt act like a drunk idiot and piss people off and be too rebellious etc.

she told me id been trying to live like a rockstar but cant pull it off as i am not and dont have the money for that.

i said things should be about having fun and its all just cheap thrills and not caring about anything.

thats what life should be like i suppose but we cant all do this because there are other sentient beings in this world and things just happen to revolve around EVERYTHING, not just what you want.

i ended up crying a whole lot more just because after all this time and after so long of fucking myself up over these people im finally allowed back to see them again.

these were my best friends.

my fucking family.

id spent the best years of my life with them.

having such great times.

fuck.

i could reminisce right here but shit, id probably end up crying again.

i dont even know if its a good or bad thing because id let it all go. not forgotten, but it didnt matter in my day to day life.

what if i let them back in and the same thing happens?

what if EVERYTHING!!>!>>!>!>!>!>?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!

sjrcugfshcgsmkehgjmkerundkmjgshkcghndshkgsecdxg

sdgkshdkgmjxsheiltuvcnsuirdkgksdnhcgiudesl;iugvnikcsrugu

escgs'ghcseurgitevynfcgisyeigdsergd

sevgcysmer

ygutseirgctmddirigtsergycsirgynvcs

miug

sergyisnureygjmsdiurxyiuresynkgumyeus@@@!#!$IO@#&%@O!!!!

i guess ill give it a go. leisha is the one who is inviting me back along and she is basically ringleader. if she says someone cant do something. they cant do it. ive still been sort of friends with jem and jasmine through this year but since leisha was so against me i havent been back in. even with new years. jem told me leisha was spazzing bout me crashing it, then ape just wanted to fight me. the fucking bitch. im glad everyone hates it anyway. such a waste of space.

i guess im kinda looking forward to it.

at least ive sorted half of my stupid mood out.

new priority list

1. Dont waste so much time on shit

2. Start trying to learn guitar more often

3. Road code > licence

4. Dont spend so much money on booze

5. Stop getting distracted by the net

6. Start saving a bit each pay for later this year or next year whenever that holiday is

7. XT phone > unlimited texts

8. Give less of a fuck

like ive got nothing to say

ive been in this weird mood the past couple of days. ive had it before. i remember back then. i told myself i never wanted to have it again after the first time. i think i did myspace blog about those times. gonna go read them now.

20 min later.... oh how i love going back over those old ones. i used to get up to some crazy shit and actually bothered writing about them! go me.

heres a re-post of my blog from the last time i felt fucked up.

apparently i look sad or angry when im just sitting down doing nothing. i dont try to look like anything while im doing that sort of thing. just have a blank expression or one that changes with whats happening on the tv.

and today im feeling something that i havent felt in a while and never thought id feel again.

scarff would remember, i was talking to her that day, unfortunately she isnt talking to me at the moment. just like a lot of people and i dont even know why anymore.

it was probably after a week or so at jills and id wandered into town in the afternoon. ended up in a park somewhere not really knowing where i was and really not feeling right. after a couple of hours i turned up at home, not really knowing how. and i was some weird mix of angry or sad and i couldnt explain why. i think i cried that whole afternoon and into the night. not knowing why. i was totally blank that day and all i wanted to do was that.

i guess its not as bad because im not fucked up on a months worth of alcohol. excluding last night i actually havent drunk since last friday night. and last night i couldnt even finish my one bottle of cheap wine. and i havent been heavily drinking like i was. just go to town on the weekends sometimes which does get pretty bad but one night a week isnt bad.

point anyway. this angry/sad/blank mood is really something i want to stay away from. its fine to be any one of those 3 things, only separately and for reasons. that you can understand why. not for fucking who knows what.

and yeah so now its back and i dont know what to do about it and i still dont know why i get in those moods. im not going to say exactly what i thought the first time. its still clear. it just better not happen again or im fucked cause i end up doing really stupid stuff. i know it seems okay like it will be fine at the time but after then its kinda like well fuck that was fucking dumb. i know i can get something tonight to and i do want to but i dont know exactly HOW and i think i got rid of all that shit the last time i was being a fuckwit.

i came home tonight all upset still and i wish i knew how to play guitar properly cause instead of playing something actually nice i sat and made noise but it wasnt fulfilling. at the backpackers there was this acoustic guitar which sounded really nice and i was playing that for ages while C'S UP played grand theft auto on our all nighter phase. but i guess i would have to have my amp up here for it to sound like better.

but its like, fuck this shit, im all moody and blank and i dont know whyyy, there is a fuckload of things on my mind that i will never say. too much to think about. too much has been going on. i love all these people ive been meeting but i dont want to be around them because theyre just going to annoy me by asking whats wrong. so fuck you going to town. i dont think im going to do that until i feel better. but i want to see people at the same time. well i guess only certain people.

its annoying because the 2 that i want to see the most, i cant really.

maybe ill just spent the next week laying in bed.

fuck you now ive gone from kinda angry to back to sad and I DONT FUCKING WANT SRDJSKJKDSFKFKXDUESTRFNGDUXIUNDFHCFSKIRDWE/;E@!$%@####$@q@##@@!@

RAGE SMASH FUCK NOW I DONT FUCKING KNOW JUST FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING

i dont know if the internets good or bad because itll make me blank but i do want to go away and have some sort of think tonight while still being awake.

im torn cause i want net but it wont LET ME THINK FUCK YOU!

oh my godddddddddddddddddddd fuck im getting little rage bursts because I DONT KNOW and it goes away and im all tense and WANNA SCREAM AND EXPLODE AND FUCK but then i dont again, why the FUCK AM I EVEN WRITING THIS!

im right on the edge i FUCKING SWEAR!

this whole fucking week

its fucking cold.

im in bed with blankets and actual pjs on.

and this has been the first time ive slept here since last sunday.

not counting the 2 hours i came home to shower and change and passed out accidently.

its effort to remember this but i will try.

monday. what did i do?

wandered around shirley with C'S UP!, yelling for daisy on the streets, sat in the trippy lights room at the palms which was amazing when its dark outside.

walked to fattys when jack never showed up.

waited for jack some more at the bustop, like an hour in total i think. found out she wasnt even fucken coming.

had to wait for kayla to get back and pick us up with the car, got real angry and impatient and shouted and yelled and made a fuss and made someone yell out their window at us to shut the fuck up. graffitied the bustop and tried to kick the glass out. failed at that. finally got picked up, went to hannahs to pick up her and briah, then out to like an hour outta chch, it was raining hardout and we just pretty much drank and ran around being stupid um playing music, talking, drawing all over C'S UP lol not me this time suprisingly. had a fucking good time, went to sleep on the couch with briah hahah and woke up at like 11 to hannah watching tyra and there was like this group of gays and bis and a tranny which was hilarious. the day was un-fucking-believably hot, we fucked around for a while being bra-less in the sun and playing on creatures motorbike then went back into town. 4 of us in the car all had just our bras on lol and were fucking speeding down the country roads, pushing it over 180, fuck knows how fast we were actually going, sticking half out the windows, yelling, being stupid, and still when we got to town had all the windows down and attracted a lot of attention, it was great.

thats all i can remember from then.

tuesday.

fucking around in town, tuesday is my payday so that was great. a few of us wandered down from hack to pak n save to buy a bag of chips and a fizzy. in pak n save we came across FUCKING $4 BOTTLES OF WINE!!!!!!!!!!

we werent even planning on drinking but yeah, we saw that and bought 8 bottles. lol.

took them to the gardens and drank there for a bit. it was me, connor, C'S UP, and jacob. we met luke in the gardens, then met steph a bit later.

went back into the gardens and fucked around some more, jacob was being dumb and idiotic so we sent him off home, then went into town i think, kinda starting to get a blur around here, went back down to pak n save to meet brittany and lex and buy their booze for them. also get more for us because wed drunk all of ours. but fucking pak n save was like just closing so i bullshit to the guy i was on the rag and bleeding everywere and needed shit, he went to talk to some guy inside and came back out telling me nah i wasnt allowed in. so i got angry but went to countdown cause its open later, but no cheap booze.

blah blah ended up countdown wouldnt fucking sell me the booze because they thought i was with brittany and lex who were waiting around for me, so they got the manager and i argued with him a lot and luke came in and attempted to save my ass, but failed also. so i just ended up abusing the manager fuckwit who took it like a bitch. we sent steph in though and she got everything alright.

went back to town and i think met robbie, kieran, and some other friend of theirs.

went and sat down in a carpark on manny for ages,

went back to town to buy more booze,

some drama shit happened on the way, whatever.

went back to the carpark cause lex lost her phone there,

found it,

sat for ages,

had to leave cause the others were cold or something, which kinda sucked lol cause i was having fun there and could have actual slept there that night.

so we taxied to mad mikes in addington somewhere, brittany and robbie walked. they showed up a bit later and it was like 5am or some shit by this time. me and lex stayed up til 6am to watch the sunrise which was really beautiful, robbie and brittany ninjaed our bed so we slept on this concrete floor on top of shoes and clothes and whatever the fuck else.

wednesday.

met kirsten in town pretty early. we decided we wanted to booze, so we did. mished down to pak n save and bought more cheap wine and a couple of cans from henrys, sat in a park thing down by hoyts for a bit and drank like 1 can, then back to town cause she had an appt. that didnt take long and after we kinda ditched everyone and went and sat on an island on a river. which lasted most of the afternoon. it was that little one by the waterwheel and right by the pig station hahah. we made a flag using a subway wrapper and nailpolish and called it "C DOG, K DOG, AWESOME ALCHZ ASS"

we fucked around there for a bit being awesome and having girl tiemz lol doing makeup and nails and whatever, before we were joined by kirstens bf... sigh..............

then C'S UP and mad mike rocked up

then kirsten kidnapped me.

drove me out to hornby to have drinks with some of her and the bfs friends, that was okay. pretty up and down really cause there was this little kitten which set kirsten off with bad memory tiemz so she rang up her parents and started crying heaps to them about all this stuff and i was comforting her and yeahhhh after that we sat around and talked and drunk pretty much. me and her went for some wander down the road but the bf and his friend came out after like 5 minutes of us being gone. so much for that.

there was this reallllllll drunk guy there, kirstens flatmate, he was fucking falling everywhere lol and like started crying or something, noone could hold him up we had to drag him lol we took him home and spent about 15 minutes trying to actually get him in the car.

kirsten told me i was about as drunk as that the other wednesday night. shock horror ahaha he was terrible! but then again i have no memory of 4 or 5 fucking hours of my life and woke up with all these cuts and shit everywhere so yeahhhh DAMN THAT NIGHT AND MY MEMORY BEING FUCKED DASEJRCFDIOSOSEILROPEAWIOPDSIMSAO!!!!!

anyway we got home they sorted him out and kirsten made me this fucking niceeeeee bed out of two couches and it was warm and shit and i remember having real trippy dreams and not knowing if they were real or not cause some parts were like stuff was happening in the exact same place i was so yeah im not sure about that lol.

thursday.

cold and rainy. im feeling the pain of not being home in since monday. i was about to go home but i met mat in hack and he told me to come along with him and connor and a few others to drink with them. i agreed but he had to ask his parents first so we mished to the hospital where they worked to find them, but by the time wed done that connor had already left so we decided to just go back go mats to drink.

its funny cause that day was ultimate cold and i was wearing just fishnets, short jean shorts, tshirt, and my jacket with sleeves rolled up. but id gotten so fucking used to the cold by then it didnt really bother me ahah.

anyway we went and got our booze and went to the palms to wait for his dad to pick us up from there. went to the trippy lights bit and there was a group of mall skanks up there. about 10 of them. we sat down, they took one look at us and "had to go".

after they left they came back up the elevator about 4 or 5 times to look out and shout things at us, giggle, run back in, and do it again. it wasnt anything bad just stupid shit like "kia ora" and "can i have a smoke? just joking!"

it was pretty funny.

then a group of like little teenage boys came and mat reckoned they were eyeing me up, we had a smoke and left.

mats is like in marshlands, pretty much middle of nowhere. we sat in this shed barn thing, played xbox for a bit and then pretty much sat around and talked the whole night.

made a bed on the floor out of couch cushions. had more trippy dreams.

friday.

i think i came home this day. for a bit. id been drinking the leftover vodka from the previous night so was drunk again. i stumbled into brittanys room and found her and robbie. then i went upstairs, fucked around? came out and they were in the lounge. watched them play second life while continuing to drink. ate some pizza then some fries. had a shower and changed clothes fucking finally. passed out on my bed for about 2 hours. did my hair and makeup, tried to check the past 5 days of facebook but i got up to like 2 days worth of shit within half an hour so honestly couldnt be fucked going any further back.

went back into town with robbie, met up with C'S UP and mad mike, i bought her a pack of fart bombs from the dairy so we had so much fun in the exchange setting those off. i was crying from laughter hahahahah. ummm after a while we met with steph, luke, and jack. i think thats all it was.

made some money, mished to all these booze stores, seriously every one that was in town was closed though. then i think kieran joined us. we decided to go clubbing anyway, so went to cruz. steph and lukes first time, it was pretty fun even though we were all sober. i bought me and C'S UP double shots of vodka each, and some random guy bought me a woody when he saw me and steph dancing together, up on the pole hahahaha. luke was videoing us, steph took a few pictures. it was good fun. at like 3am we left, met up with robbie and kieran again, went to hagley park, lay down for ages watching the stars.

i was quite keen to crash there for the night, i wasnt cold even though it was a pretty cold night. but as mike and C'S UP were leaving, bloody mike pulled me up from the ground then i couldnt find my fucking warm spot so i started to get fucking cold.

so we walked back to robbies, on the way back went across to hagley and fucked around with sprinklers and i kicked a few fence posts in. we knocked over all these road cones down addington ways, made a line of them across the street blocking the road lol, then played on some playground til like 5am.

got back to robbies and ended up sleeping at about 6am.

saturday.

woke up at 4pm.

fish and chip shop.

fries with cheese and mayo.

rainy and cold.

busing into town.

find C'S UP and kieran.

sit around in the rain and cold.

decide were going to stephs.

get booze.

meet brittany.

bus to linwood.

drink a bit and play crash team racing.

havent played that in ages!

i decide not to drink. cbf.

bus back to town.

lose brittany robbie and kieran.

maccas.

meet mike and leafy.

everyone decides to go clubbing.

i fuck off home.

empty house.

make noise on guitar.

go to bed.

internet.

TOO MUCH

what a skank.

a drunken skank that is.

i dont know really, ive just gotten home after not being here since monday or tuesday, i dont even remember,

i didnt know what day it was OR where id been when i stumbled into brittanys room today.

fucked around for a while ate some food drank the rest of my booze had a shower then passed out for a couple hours on my bed.

then sat there for like half an hour doing like nothing, then tried to check facebook for the past week but there was too much fucking shit and after half an hour or prob more of going back through the homepage i was only up to yesterday at 8pm, couldnt be fucked and gave up, i need to get back into town tonight to see whose there, find C'S UP!, find some big strong men in town hahahah and go get some money.

and then what the fuck am i going to do with that money?

spent it on booze.

that always happens but wtf i need to save like its all fun and shit and you just have waaay more fun when youre drunk or on some sort of drugs.

you know.

i know i wanted stuffz but i cant think of what.

ummm yeah whatever fuck i have to stop getting distracted by the net and get my ass in town already. i wonder wtf we'll get up to this weekend and shit.

totally getting sore from sitting down all day

couldnt be fucked doing much today, first night at home in a while i think. im not too sure? it feels like it was ages. it doesnt really hurt to walk anymore but fuck i was crippled yesterday and the day before!!

today has been spent all on the couch with the laptop, doing various things on the internet, playing games, stumbleupon, laughing at fatties etc.

the highlight of the day would have been finding a website of spoilt photos

fucking laughed heaps at some of that shit.

hmm daisy decided hed tell me on msn that hed been naked for the last hour, up until 20 minutes ago.
PUKE.

was texting kirsten for ages today, hahah it was cool, having all heart to hearts about a lot of shit.
then i got real excited and couldnt stop grinning because we started talking about pirates and pirate day and booze and WOOOO REIOTSCUIOSDUFIGVUIMSDMXZLSJFCKJKDVMLGIXLZS!!!
FUN TIEMZ!WEQWOIIOQI(@*!!!#@$%@($RUS!

um we made fries. tons of mayo and a bit of sauce.
YUM

played warcraft.

played second life for the first time and its the most fucking retarded game ever ive decided.
on my thing the appearance changing wouldnt even work and everything was confusing and graphics were gay as fuck and just FUCK IT UP THE ASS.
so i raged and quit.

then i wanted to play pokemon world online.
but i couldnt log in so i started to rage.

then gave up and went back and whored the internet, downloading some wolfquest game at the moment which sounds funny.

have sat on this couch in my pjs all day and my ass is like getting sore. ZZZZZZZZZ

i dont get why cause i used to be able to sit for like weeks in the same position lol like nonstop pretty much and it wouldnt hurt.

maybe still sore from drunken injuries from that other night...

shiz

this morning i had an awesome dream. one of those surreal kinda ones that linger on your mind for the rest of the day.

i was up really really high in the sky on some sort of cliff thing, watching the sky, it looked fucking beautiful and was all blue and kinda cloudy but the clouds werent gay ones they made it seem even better, it kept on changing and then a tornado started forming and coming towards me. i was controlling myself then and not wanting to get caught in it jumped off the cliff and fell for ages through the sky. started to see buildings and what-not, and not wanting to die either, thought fuck this and made myself fly.

then i was flying all around this sky and clouds and it was fucking awesome, ive never been able to fly in dreams before, everytime i do try it always ends up just long jumps or i cant at all. i can make myself do mostly anything but never ever flying so i was proud i could do it today hahaha.

also woulda been interesting to see what would have happened if id just fallen and smacked myself on the ground. probably would have woken up.

yesterday was fun. well the later part of the day.
i had to go to mums in the morning and she fucked around for ages and finally got back home at about 4pm, we picked up luke and robbie then went into town. sat around for a bit and talked with town bums.
i got my present of L7 and Bikini Kill tshirts. FUCK YES!!!!!
one of the tags on them says Made in Downtown LA. that just sounds so fucking cool!

um then we decided wed go back to the gardens again and find trees to climb.
we sat in the one that we were apparently sitting in the night before, i got told stories of how everyone was in there and me and kirsten were making out for actual half an hour. FUCK I CANT REMEMBER KSFDLCJIDFOPDVGPCVSDMIBOPMCIOPFSDIPGVSOX ZND!!!!!!

um then got bored and found another tree. that big strange one a bit further in. sat in that for a while lol then went to the lilypad ponds and walked around, walked through some forest area that looked really cool. the guys had a session, then we went back into town to meet kirsten at like 9pm.
sat around for a bit. i got a kiss, right in front of her bf. HA! he didnt notice.

decided wed go back to robbies, so walked there, we had some ice cream and apple crumble, then fries, watched tv for a while then hot fuzz. the guys fell asleep like half an hour before the end of the movie but i stayed up, texting and shit, fell asleep a few times through it but not for very long. then by the end of it i was totally awake and watched sky and texted brittany until like 4am when i fell asleep.
on the most uncomfortable couch with my hoody for a blanket and woke up with a real fucked up neck from it being too stiff and shit. fun tiemz.

this morning weve been making chocolate chip pancakes and they were great. then whoring on the internet for a bit and going to walk back to town later.

holy shit

the post below was my night as i remembered it.

is just got told that a wholeeeeeeeeeeeee lot of other stuff happened which i didnt actually remember. fuck.

apparently i started drinking outta some guys frozen coke at maccas, and he said i could have it. i cried from laughing when luke told me this story.
i tried to fall asleep twice on the way home.

kirsten told me she had to help me go to the toilet. FUCKKSKFJDSKLFJDKFJ

i was hooking up with connor and texting kirsten? i dont remember this at all??!??!!!! FUCK!
too drunk.

tonight

we went to town, it was fucking boiling hot, me and robbie sat down on the floor of the disableds wheelchair bit, C'S UP! and brittany transferred themselves between an empty seat and the aisle/seat thing.
we found hack, sat for a bit, then i iniatiated an alcohol mission. while we were waiting at the shuttle stop we found kirsten. she told us about some cheap booze store that we went to, just down cashel street a bit. then we went back to hack, found some guy who was robbies cousin, went to his house, watched the first bit of bruno, smoked, talked a lot, went to the gardens.

then me, kirsten, and brittany went in the fountain and paddled around in it for a bit. went toilets, went to the other fountain which was a bit scum. got interviewed by some asians which was funny ahhahaha, got taken pictures of, found taz and some gothic thing. went back to the fountain i THINK. or maybe nah i think me and her just went and sat under a tree, filled up our drink bottle with straight vodka, ran through a few sprinklers, and after that is pretty much REAAAAAAALLLLYYYYYY blurry. i dont remember anything. seriously.
except, making out with kirsten fuckloads, and bussing to the port hills. or did we? i think we walked. yes actually i remember now we did.

i dont remember brittany leaving us, i dont know what the fuck we were doing and why we didnt catch the bus with her. but we got there eventually with me nearly passing out a few times on the way hahahah. and it was pretty early when we got back here.

ive had to be told what ive done tonight. robbie pretty much says anytime he looked back, me and kirsten were making out, and he was telling us to get a room. which is all good, cause shes fucking hot ahhahahah. i like her. shes awesome as fuck. and its fun. i have like grazes and scars on my knees and legs and shit, its awesome, unknown drunken injuries ftw!

stuffz

things are kinda weird now, im motivated for different reasons, theres little bits of other things still in me but theres one main thing.
i have new feelings?

and so im not sure what the older ones are because they come up sometimes in little bursts but its not so much a big thing anymore.
i dont know what else i want to write about it either, really. i do but i dont know what to say right now, maybe im just distracted by the other people in the room or whatever but oh well.
people can probably figure out what im going on about. or brittany if you read this you will because youre smart and youve been around me to know haha.

im getting sick, i blame the fucking cigarette i smoked through my nose cause i woke up feeling it and now a few days later my nose is all completely blocked and im coughing like a bitch and sniffing and shit, and now tonight all my fucking bones are sore and its like fuckkkkk i wanna like be better and sleep but C'S UP! and robbie are im my room playing san andreas, when robbie gets back im booting them out to the lounge with the laptop and they can play it on that.

tonight we've been talking to this guy remo in australia over vent and C'S UP! was hardout abusing him lol and robbie kinda was and then robbie started talking to him properly and theyre having a good old conversation and yeah. its been pretty entertaining. i cant really be fucked writing anymore. goodnight.

also today daisy got hit by a car. it was fucking hilarious. i cried of laughter and couldnt stop for fucking ages.

looking back at last nights resolutions

ive fucked around on the internet all day.

april 4, 2009

re-reading my old myspace blogs. i like the funny ones, then they just turn to shit, then they sorta got funny again, then went to a balance of shit and funny.
this is one of the best hahah.

i have the laptop in the car now.
it was playing death of a whore and it was saying "FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU SOME MORE!"
then the mother got mad because i was singing that and she thought i was just saying it to her. so she looked at me in shock and said "keep your dirty words to yourself!"
so now im not supposed to have my music in the car and instead there is solid gold playing some gay song on the radio. i hate the radio.
its not even bad music now its long road out of here which is a nice song.

im not even sure where we're going. she wont tell me.
we do have to get the groceries though later. boring. i think i might just sit in the car rambling on this notepad. then at least i can leave if i wish and get burger king since i know she'll go to countdown.

every house around here looks the same. all little, rundown, graffitti-fenced things. what type of people live inside. what are they doing. going about their lives with no idea people theyve never met are thinking about them.
we just went past guild street. one of my old primary school friends lived down there. i dont remember her name, but me and my friends would always be over at her house cuz she lived quite close to us. i remember playing on that playground down the road too.

and my friend julia edge had a trampoline at her house which i bounced off once and got an egg on my head. i just laughed. i seem to just laugh at anything displeasing that happens to me. i dont know if thats bad or not. anyway she still lives at the same house. after all those years.

i got callled a "dickwick" by the mother. for saying something stupid. whatever the fuck that means.
and now im supposed to keep my comments to myself because there was a large woman eating an icecream at the lights next to us. i told her she doesnt need that icecream. she didnt even hear me. but she looked at me.
now mum says im going to get my head kicked in one of these days for talking about people. thats nice..

there was this butch dyke riding along on her bicycle and i really did feel like yelling "dyke on a bike!" at her. but i did refrain. she looked a bit too staunch for me to be insulting.

i put crystal meth on the grocery list. mum saw it and asked me what is it, i told her its good for your brain.
"oh the supermarket wont have that, youll have to go to the pharmacy"
"it might have some, you never know, just look for it, maybe ask for assistance"
"is it something for your mouth?" (wtf)
"no mum, its p"
"youve been killing your brain cells! you used to have lots of brains but youve weeded up your brain now! i dont even know about p or your silly nicknames for it!"

fuck this sitting in the car. im starving, my tummy is rumbling, bk is staring at me.
i kept dropping food down my top. you wouldnt want to see me eating a big mac, seriously.
god i miss the days of just listening to bikini kill day in, day out. when it was still such exciting music. i eat your hate like love i eat your hate like love! how does it feel it feels blind..
course it still is exciting music.

i threw the bag out the window, and it nearly got into a bin. joan jett is amazing. that is all.


now tonights thoughts..

its way too fucking hot. im lying in bed with the laptop sitting on me and its really hot and im kinda burning up, kinda feel sick. its making me feel really faint.
i need to get my ass into gear, i need to stop fucking around with shit. town is a huge distraction, i still avoid all this shit i need to do by just going to hack and sitting around all day. tomorrow is going to be a day where i actually do something, im not going to fuck around on the internet, im not going to go into town and fuck around there all day and night. im going to DO THE STUFF IVE BEEN SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR WEEKS + MORE NOW!

make sure you can break through the walls that youre building around you

im realizing.. something that starts so little always turns into something much bigger..

it doesnt matter.

it just happens because you started that one little thing.

i could say that about a lot of things.

today songs have been making me stop.

quite a few can do that. just stop whatever ive been doing and make me think, think back, think whatever. im not sure if its good or bad, happy or sad, maybe just down.

i think thats it.

i think im down, because i dont know how i am.

theres a lot of things i dont know now that i used to know or i thought i did or maybe i never even thought about but its just that security thing that i talked about earlier by having everything stable but now everythings turned upside down or maybe its just that ive moved out of home and not under the wing of my mother anymore that i feel free or lost or drifting or whatever you like to call it.

what the fuck do i do? where do the days lead? where do i go? how am i supposed to feel? who is real and who is just bullshit? why does everything happen how it does and how do i react when i feel like im over my head.

i dont have direction.

im not sure about anything.

and ape, you are a shit.

try talking to me again thinking you can get your way and do whatever you want. just tryyyy it. stupid bitch.

2010

i spent new years in a gutter. with a lot of angry people.