20 min later.... oh how i love going back over those old ones. i used to get up to some crazy shit and actually bothered writing about them! go me.
heres a re-post of my blog from the last time i felt fucked up.
apparently i look sad or angry when im just sitting down doing nothing. i dont try to look like anything while im doing that sort of thing. just have a blank expression or one that changes with whats happening on the tv.
and today im feeling something that i havent felt in a while and never thought id feel again.
scarff would remember, i was talking to her that day, unfortunately she isnt talking to me at the moment. just like a lot of people and i dont even know why anymore.
it was probably after a week or so at jills and id wandered into town in the afternoon. ended up in a park somewhere not really knowing where i was and really not feeling right. after a couple of hours i turned up at home, not really knowing how. and i was some weird mix of angry or sad and i couldnt explain why. i think i cried that whole afternoon and into the night. not knowing why. i was totally blank that day and all i wanted to do was that.
i guess its not as bad because im not fucked up on a months worth of alcohol. excluding last night i actually havent drunk since last friday night. and last night i couldnt even finish my one bottle of cheap wine. and i havent been heavily drinking like i was. just go to town on the weekends sometimes which does get pretty bad but one night a week isnt bad.
point anyway. this angry/sad/blank mood is really something i want to stay away from. its fine to be any one of those 3 things, only separately and for reasons. that you can understand why. not for fucking who knows what.
and today im feeling something that i havent felt in a while and never thought id feel again.
scarff would remember, i was talking to her that day, unfortunately she isnt talking to me at the moment. just like a lot of people and i dont even know why anymore.
it was probably after a week or so at jills and id wandered into town in the afternoon. ended up in a park somewhere not really knowing where i was and really not feeling right. after a couple of hours i turned up at home, not really knowing how. and i was some weird mix of angry or sad and i couldnt explain why. i think i cried that whole afternoon and into the night. not knowing why. i was totally blank that day and all i wanted to do was that.
i guess its not as bad because im not fucked up on a months worth of alcohol. excluding last night i actually havent drunk since last friday night. and last night i couldnt even finish my one bottle of cheap wine. and i havent been heavily drinking like i was. just go to town on the weekends sometimes which does get pretty bad but one night a week isnt bad.
point anyway. this angry/sad/blank mood is really something i want to stay away from. its fine to be any one of those 3 things, only separately and for reasons. that you can understand why. not for fucking who knows what.
and yeah so now its back and i dont know what to do about it and i still dont know why i get in those moods. im not going to say exactly what i thought the first time. its still clear. it just better not happen again or im fucked cause i end up doing really stupid stuff. i know it seems okay like it will be fine at the time but after then its kinda like well fuck that was fucking dumb. i know i can get something tonight to and i do want to but i dont know exactly HOW and i think i got rid of all that shit the last time i was being a fuckwit.
i came home tonight all upset still and i wish i knew how to play guitar properly cause instead of playing something actually nice i sat and made noise but it wasnt fulfilling. at the backpackers there was this acoustic guitar which sounded really nice and i was playing that for ages while C'S UP played grand theft auto on our all nighter phase. but i guess i would have to have my amp up here for it to sound like better.
but its like, fuck this shit, im all moody and blank and i dont know whyyy, there is a fuckload of things on my mind that i will never say. too much to think about. too much has been going on. i love all these people ive been meeting but i dont want to be around them because theyre just going to annoy me by asking whats wrong. so fuck you going to town. i dont think im going to do that until i feel better. but i want to see people at the same time. well i guess only certain people.
its annoying because the 2 that i want to see the most, i cant really.
maybe ill just spent the next week laying in bed.
fuck you now ive gone from kinda angry to back to sad and I DONT FUCKING WANT SRDJSKJKDSFKFKXDUESTRFNGDUXIUNDFHCFSKIRDWE/;E@!$%@####$@q@##@@!@
RAGE SMASH FUCK NOW I DONT FUCKING KNOW JUST FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING
i dont know if the internets good or bad because itll make me blank but i do want to go away and have some sort of think tonight while still being awake.
im torn cause i want net but it wont LET ME THINK FUCK YOU!
oh my godddddddddddddddddddd fuck im getting little rage bursts because I DONT KNOW and it goes away and im all tense and WANNA SCREAM AND EXPLODE AND FUCK but then i dont again, why the FUCK AM I EVEN WRITING THIS!
im right on the edge i FUCKING SWEAR!
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