shit

god even i dont really know what the hell i was on about last night.

i was most likely being a dick the night anyway, seems to happen when im drunk, well i dont think i am and maybe i was fine but to others, no.

i remember getting in a lot of moods before the party.

first i was fine,

then i got angry/fearless, marching up to a gang of stupid skankster fucking bitch things that call themselves ysk or whatever the fuck. asking them what the fuck their problem was. i knew one of them so it wasnt really as badass as the people watching me and telling me not to go would have thought. all the fucking bitch girls vultured around me when they found out i had booze and all wanted some. fucking stupid little fuckers, honestly they should all fucking go die im so fucking sick of seeing them in the street and shit. as soon as someone has ANYTHING they fucking want it. what the fuck makes them think that anyone would freely give away shit to them. food, smokes, booze, spare change, whatever. fuck if i knew i only had a day to live or some shit i would buy a fucking gun and go around town fucking killing them all. fucking make me angry as fuck, i fucking hate those gangster shits. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway then i just got grumpy/fucked off/moody and i was about to go, but sat on the stairs at cybernuts for a bit and luke convinced me i should stay and go to daisys with them all. then i guess him and steph made me happy by talking etc.

then i decided to put my mp3 on and share a headphone with steph. for some reason i only played the sad kinda songs, like all the ones that used to make me cry or remind me of times or people so i kinda got down after that.

started to get drunker and blah blah blah. we caught the bus to daisys, where munter had convinced him to let me stay, so he was okay. i was nice to daisy that night.

random party happenings happened, then went home. pretty much.

i so should have slept on the lawn last night. it was a nice night. i think i would have if it hadnt of clouded over, but there wasnt really that many stars out anyway.

got woken at 8am, felt pretty gross and hungover anyway so i went out to get water and pretty much just ended up staying out here.

the morning sun is nice and i havent been awake this early in a long long time.

i feel kinda bad this morning though.

i want to take another break from town but i dont know why i cant stop going in. its probably because everyones all like oohhh celeste come to town come to town. and im pretty easily persuaded. its fun when youre there, but i dont know really how to say what i feel about it, afterwards its kinda like BLAH and im getting in moods a lot just being around there.

i think i mostly go on with the hope that ill see that ONE person, which never happens. maybe thats the cause of my moods, but i dont think so. i dont even know, maybe everything thats on my mind mixed with not being able to figure out why im getting upset and then not being able to tell the person i want to about everything thats been going onnnnn and then feeling bad because of other stuff and FUCK I DONT FUCKING KNOW WTF

I GIVE UP

FUCKING ONLY WANT 3 THINGS RIGHT NOW

I FEEL FUCKING SICK

you know whats funny. for actually the past 1 and a bit years i have done nothing but drink most nights of every single FUCKING WEEK. and thats how i deal with things. then when im sober and shit i get all fucked cause everything i block out with alcohol comes knocking me back.

i know this is not the best way to go about living, just fucking with my brain to push things away that i should be sorting out, but what even is there to sort out? everything has only really become fucked up last year. i used to be fine for at least a good 2 years before that. i think. i dont really remember actually, i remember so clear how last year went and all these major events but the past years were never as bad. i remember how i used to deal with things before the alchz, but thats not good, ive been doing a bit of that when shit gets shitty and it makes me feel better sure but its stupid. i dont even know why actually. WHY THE FUCK IS SOMETHING STUPID IF IT FUCKING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!? its not like it even hurts anyone else.

anyway im not sure. maybe theres nothing to actually fix and maybe its just me being all gloomy and shit for no reason. cause i dont know why.

OHHHHH SEE I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. before the booze, and after all the other ways, i blanked myself out with computer games and the internet. because when youre distracted with that shit you dont think about yourself or your own feelings or whatever. sometimes when playing games i would get unnecessarily sad, but yeah for the most part that was the way.

so what the fuck would i achieve if i spent a whole day somewhere, away, with nothing else, just to think about shit.

i couldnt do it because id just get bored without some sort of electronic device or person to talk to i guess.

WHAT THE FUCKS UP WITH THAT!?

and i went and sat on the deck in the sun this morning just doing nothing and i could only last like 5 minutes before i got bored. fuck.

they pick a fucking age and say right this is when you grow up. doesnt mean shit. im still just as lost as i was when i first left my childhood world and started learning shit about life. i dont even think im mature. what even is that? i think its more a case of being sensible, that most people think of. i know a lot of things but my problem is ive fucked with my brain cells too much and cant really put a lot of what i want to say into the right words.

i just got distracted a lot and lost my train of thought from before.

fuck all this i feel sick.