that was unexpected

today i was still in my mood, id spent all day in bed. id gone on wow and attempted to talk to people but they didnt really care. so i just got angry. the other computer was on and i wanted to change my background, ended up looking through all these old screenshots. from the time id just started up until me and everyone else and christie fucking around. seeing all those again and reminding me of what great times we used to have turned me into a sad mood so i went back online and talked to christie.

i ended up breaking down to her and crying because i was going on about how we used to be such great friends, talk all day, every day, we used to be so close and have so much fun and now well its been so long since we have and weve grown apart and nothing is like it used to. which sent me off in another break down about how everything seems to change and fuck up and all last year has been so fucked for me it just wasnt funny. my biggest thing last year was losing my group of friends which ive mentioned somewhere before, causing me to turn to others that werent the best to turn to, then sending me in a spiral of fucked upedness and alcoholism.

when i was with jill it was all too fucked because we both had a lot of stupid problems and i would sit there and cry and cry about my old friends among other things.. i eventually got over it and moved on and had been seeing different people anyway. but everything kept on changing and people would come and go and i dont really know still whose real and whose not, because noones constantly there, except what seems like the town bums i hang with at the moment since i seem to be with them pretty much everyday, getting to know everyone a lot more, but it all feels kind of surreal still, i dont know whether to trust it or not, either because i never imagined i would be hanging with people like from hack or because last time i had a solid group of friends things fucked up far too badly. im not really sure. its kinda seeming too good to be true.

i still needed a break from everything anyway. i think seeing too many people constantly isnt very good because i know i do need a lot of time to sort my own head out which cant really be done in a group of people.

i guess i do try to escape with drinking because you dont think about anything when youre drunk and you just have fun with friends and ive been pretty much drinking at least 3 times a week if not for a couple of weeks on end at some points for over a year now. it sucks cause im a bit of a heavyweight now, and im not sure what exactly im trying to escape FROM but thats what im laying it on.

anyway tonight i talked to christie, we talked how we used to, about lots of indepth crap. i cried a fair bit and she comforted me and just told me life shit that would help.

then leisha came on msn. she talked to me. for the first time in who knows how long. talked like we were still friends. she used to be just like a fucking older sister to me.

she apologized for new years, wanted to know how i was. i told her i wasnt in the best of moods but then kinda ended up talking anyway.

she told me she would welcome me back on some conditions that i wouldnt act like a drunk idiot and piss people off and be too rebellious etc.

she told me id been trying to live like a rockstar but cant pull it off as i am not and dont have the money for that.

i said things should be about having fun and its all just cheap thrills and not caring about anything.

thats what life should be like i suppose but we cant all do this because there are other sentient beings in this world and things just happen to revolve around EVERYTHING, not just what you want.

i ended up crying a whole lot more just because after all this time and after so long of fucking myself up over these people im finally allowed back to see them again.

these were my best friends.

my fucking family.

id spent the best years of my life with them.

having such great times.

fuck.

i could reminisce right here but shit, id probably end up crying again.

i dont even know if its a good or bad thing because id let it all go. not forgotten, but it didnt matter in my day to day life.

what if i let them back in and the same thing happens?

what if EVERYTHING!!>!>>!>!>!>!>?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!

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sdgkshdkgmjxsheiltuvcnsuirdkgksdnhcgiudesl;iugvnikcsrugu

escgs'ghcseurgitevynfcgisyeigdsergd

sevgcysmer

ygutseirgctmddirigtsergycsirgynvcs

miug

sergyisnureygjmsdiurxyiuresynkgumyeus@@@!#!$IO@#&%@O!!!!

i guess ill give it a go. leisha is the one who is inviting me back along and she is basically ringleader. if she says someone cant do something. they cant do it. ive still been sort of friends with jem and jasmine through this year but since leisha was so against me i havent been back in. even with new years. jem told me leisha was spazzing bout me crashing it, then ape just wanted to fight me. the fucking bitch. im glad everyone hates it anyway. such a waste of space.

i guess im kinda looking forward to it.

at least ive sorted half of my stupid mood out.