blah

ahhh fuck

saying this outloud as i start this blog.

im not even sure.
i dont know anything

i never know anything.

i spent about 45 minutes in the park laying down tonight after packing a sad in town then going home.

i guess id been in town for 13 and a halfish hours.

but i duno.

beth and andrea came and dragged me off the couch where i was spooning with beka which was nice heh.
they got annoying though because they tried forcing me to go and drink with them and i really didnt feel like it. for once. WHAT IS THIS!?

and they were really drunk and blah i dont know.

why do i always get like this when im in town and shit?

i didnt even want to leave but i didnt want to miss my last bus or anything and yeah i was just sitting there getting down and doing or saying fuck all.

so when i was in the park i tried to think about what it is that always bothers me. i didnt really come up with anything.

i know my life is going nowhere
i know i waste a lot of time on bullshit
i know i drink too much but thats only because everything is so much better and im just happy and crazy so why would i want to stop drinking
i know im kinda confused about who im liking and stuff at the moment
i know i take in a lot of other peoples problems and feel bad for them and shit
i know ive had troubles with my old friends which i fucked myself up over so bad and now everything has swung around and i broke down so much the other night when that happened

and thats about it right now.

but when i think about them they arent really that bad? like im not too bothered because nothing ever seems tto bother me? but sometimes i get in this mood where i am just down and i dont know i wont even feel like doing anything, NOT EVEN DRINKING WHICH CHEERS ME UP A FUCKLOAD BUT I JUST DONT WANT TO and when im in this mood one thing leads to another and yes bad tiemz.

it only used to happen like, not a lot, but now like its happening way too much and seems to be like nearly ever day. I DONT KNOW WHY AND IT FUCKS ME UPPPPPPPPP BECAUSE I DONT LIKE IT BUT I DO AND I WANT SOMEONE TO FIX IT OR SOMETHING BUT NO BECAUSE FUCK I DONT KNOW I FUCKING DONT KNOW ANYTHING I DONT KNOW WHY PEOPLE SHOULD CARE AND WATHRCJGSMDFKSCH,GSDKJHXGKFSDGCGX,SKDMKGDSJCFDSKXF
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FUCK