tonights shit

rage rage rage fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu rage a lot tonight.
i hate this fucking laptop because the m key is fucking up and pressing itself when its not welcome so to avoid that im ctrl+v-ing whenever it comes up but it still fucking insists anyway and frustrating BEYOND FUCKING BELIEF

i was like tearing tonight cuz of going on myspace and to christies page and reading all my old comments and looking at her albums and blah.
i miss her so much like there used to not be a day where we wouldnt talk for at least half the day and about everything and sometimes itd be all day and all night and she pretty much knew EVERYTHING about me.

but now
now i hardly talk to her at all and if i do its only about something stupid and little like you can never really get that back sort of thing.

wanted to talk to her tonight after this BUT SHES NOT ONLINE

and brittany told me not to remind myself of all this and be happy for the rest of the night but its kinda not really working, sorry.

things are changing, again, like always, i dont know what to do. it can never fucking be the same for very long these fucking days CAN IT!?
fucks sake.

im suposedly going to go see aj tomorrow but i dont know if that will happen, i have things to do and cant really be fucked going all the way out to hornby for the length of a bus transfer only to sit around and be bored because jays presence kills things a lot. i hate that she still lives with him and all the way out there and that she doesnt make him sleep on the fucking couch.

i been listening to this band rocket, i really want to find their songs for downloading but theyre only on myspace and facebook and all you can do is listen. theres only one live video on youtube and googling does nothing. you cant even search for their lyrics and theres this song thats playing which ive been trying to figure out some of the lyrics for so ill try write them out here from what i can hear.

but i know just whats going on
and all i want is you
i cant understand myself
with the world around me
and theres noone else but you
each and every time you do

and if you only knew
i just cant stand myself
something something fuck i cant get the rest of the chorus
sommething about i just cant help myself

anyway whatever, maybe theyll get famous and the song will become easy to find.

i hate when i have stupid emotional nights and pack a fucken sad over mostly the same thing every fucken time. when i try think about it and like explain it to other people i have all these feelings that so want to burst out of me but all that comes out is GSIFIGSDFSGOIOIFHSMGDFSOWIO.
even with steph all i can say about is it like GOFGIOEOIOEDvEROOndsRE and shes like WUT U SED DAT LYK HEAPZ ALRDY WUT U WANT Y U SAD??!1

i probably could explain properly if i wanted to but itd take a lot of thinking about what i wanted to say and careful words. and most of the time i wont say a lot just because i cant be fucked.

so many stupid things i keep reminding myself of and sorry fagz but i really cant help it. hah.
id like to be able to sort myself out before i die.
fuck it
im getting along.

theres not a lot of fucking time left and ive done fucking nothing, i wanna leave, id go tomorrow if i had that kind of money. but i really would like to sort out things here as soon as i can because its fucking over halfway through fucking may already and WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID THAT EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN! time goes too fucking fast. why the fuck even.
but i wouldnt even know where to start. id have to have intense conversations with a few people. i can probably actually come up with things to say pretty quickly. so why not have these conversations right now? this has happened too many times before and someones probably going to get angry or whatever with me saying things again. or just sick of it and like -____-
the only thing im scared of is that these conversations wont change anything, and seriously im not being underconfident in myself but i reeeeally can see that happening. and then it all will have been for nothing and would be better off before id said anything at all.

the thing is though, with life, you could fucking die tomorrow. so you should live with no regrets and to the fullest extent right? but you cant. most of the time you end up not dying and having to face consequences of carefree things youve done. actually this bit isnt coming out right. scrap it.
what if something happens. what will i feel like when i know ive had a chance to say things ive wanted to but didnt and now cant anymore.
and i wouldnt really care if i died and never got to fix shit up i guess because id be dead so yeah. blah why am i talking about me dying. this is just turning to ramble now. nothing meaningful left. the tangent i was on is gone. fuck this.