i got attacked by a nightmare last night, woke up and couldnt move from being way too scared, not even to reach my phone under my pillow which i did manage to do after like 10 minutes. it felt fucking weird like this scary shit was invading my brain and i had to spend like half an hour trying to distract myself and thinking happy thoughts so it would get the fuck out of my mind. so i thought all about aj and eerything weve done and stuff and i went to sleep real happy.
fuck you stupid dream monster, fuck you!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
letter to god
Dear God, I'm writing this letter to you,
cause I don't have a clue, can you help me?
I'm sitting here, simply trying to figure out,
what my life's all about, can you tell me?
I never wanted to be, the person you see,
can you tell me who I am?
I always wanted to die, but you kept me here alive,
can you tell me who I am?
I lie awake conducting this symphony,
that you have gifted to me, I can't ever sleep,
don't get mad, but I get weak inside,
and I start to fall apart, cause I feel nothing,
I never wanted to be, some kind of comic relief,
please show me who I am,
I've been tortured and scorned, since the that I was born,
but I don't know who I am, and I thank you man for everything,
sorry I'm so frightened about all of it, but I wish I could give you more,
and all the lights are shining down on me, and I feel intimated by it all,
I never wanted to be, the person you see, but thank you,
oh god please tell me now, are you disappointed? are you proud?
haven't I done everything, everything,
I'm so sorry I'm so weak, and I turned into a freak,
but I don't know anything, anything,
I've lost all self-esteem, my baby and everything and I feel nothing, nothing,
oh god please tell me now,
oh god please tell me now, cause i feel nothing,
and dear god I'm writing this letter to you,
I am coming unglued please help me...
cause I don't have a clue, can you help me?
I'm sitting here, simply trying to figure out,
what my life's all about, can you tell me?
I never wanted to be, the person you see,
can you tell me who I am?
I always wanted to die, but you kept me here alive,
can you tell me who I am?
I lie awake conducting this symphony,
that you have gifted to me, I can't ever sleep,
don't get mad, but I get weak inside,
and I start to fall apart, cause I feel nothing,
I never wanted to be, some kind of comic relief,
please show me who I am,
I've been tortured and scorned, since the that I was born,
but I don't know who I am, and I thank you man for everything,
sorry I'm so frightened about all of it, but I wish I could give you more,
and all the lights are shining down on me, and I feel intimated by it all,
I never wanted to be, the person you see, but thank you,
oh god please tell me now, are you disappointed? are you proud?
haven't I done everything, everything,
I'm so sorry I'm so weak, and I turned into a freak,
but I don't know anything, anything,
I've lost all self-esteem, my baby and everything and I feel nothing, nothing,
oh god please tell me now,
oh god please tell me now, cause i feel nothing,
and dear god I'm writing this letter to you,
I am coming unglued please help me...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
hrfdjkg
what the fuck fuck you, the first thing i think waking up is shit, i dont want to be here, have to go back to sleep and spend all day dreaming. why? cuz its so much better than being alive. i hate everything. why would you not want to spend every moment in your dreams.
i told you i dont want to do anything, i dont want to get out of bed, i would rather just sleep and escape to my dreams all day.
what did you say?
you need to get a job.
thanks for that, you dont seem to care, when obviously somethings not right. i been crying all fucking morning for fucks sake.
and dear someone else, why the fuck dont you seem to care, i try really hard to talk to you and everyone tells me communication etc and i say everything but you it falls upon deaf ears, you could at least have the decency to say something at least. i dont even know. i dont mean to get angry and mad but its just retaliation for all of this going around inside my head too much and if you say you love me then you shouldnt fucking be like this so go fuck yourself.
i wish i knew courtney love i wish i was as fucking lucky as frances to have her as a mother but she doesnt even want to talk to her. courtneys a fucking amazing person whos been through so much and seems like shed know what to do with every situation instead of being a bitch nag like my mum who i feel isnt even fucking there for me when i need help. cuz i dont know what to do anymore. with anything. i honestly feel like something just needs to hurry up and kill me so i dont have to deal with fucking anything anymore its horrible!
fuck everything
i told you i dont want to do anything, i dont want to get out of bed, i would rather just sleep and escape to my dreams all day.
what did you say?
you need to get a job.
thanks for that, you dont seem to care, when obviously somethings not right. i been crying all fucking morning for fucks sake.
and dear someone else, why the fuck dont you seem to care, i try really hard to talk to you and everyone tells me communication etc and i say everything but you it falls upon deaf ears, you could at least have the decency to say something at least. i dont even know. i dont mean to get angry and mad but its just retaliation for all of this going around inside my head too much and if you say you love me then you shouldnt fucking be like this so go fuck yourself.
i wish i knew courtney love i wish i was as fucking lucky as frances to have her as a mother but she doesnt even want to talk to her. courtneys a fucking amazing person whos been through so much and seems like shed know what to do with every situation instead of being a bitch nag like my mum who i feel isnt even fucking there for me when i need help. cuz i dont know what to do anymore. with anything. i honestly feel like something just needs to hurry up and kill me so i dont have to deal with fucking anything anymore its horrible!
fuck everything
Thursday, August 19, 2010
fucking amazing
the past 2 days ive been drinking and everything is a blur, ive been with aj and chelsea and ive been really fucking happy. like i dont really remember how the events of the past days went but i know weve gotten real fucked up and done a dece amount of drugs and drunk a helluva lot. and im glad now that ive seen her again and talked to her, we had a fucking lot of serious conversations, just drunk ones cuz i always get real emotional when im drunk and i just go on about real depressing shit. which is kinda the reason i get drunk in the first place. i think all this all the time thats why i have to distract myself with stupid shit like getting drunk and playing games and getting fucked on drugs cuz seriously why would you want to be sober when everything can put you in such fucked up states and its amazing, like fuck. and i just .. ohhh it was just a great time i dont really know im still drunk because im drinking again after i finally slept properly for the first time in about 2 days but it was only for 4 hours but anyway still i forgot what i was talking about.
but brittany if your reading this, well you shoulda hanged out with us more and gotten drunk with us, it was so much fun. and i said this this morning when it was freakin 7am and i was finally going home, and know that i dont take this sort of thing lightly and ive never actually felt that for anyone ive been out with before, but i said i loved her and i really meant it, like fuck it just makes me so happy seeing her, and you know what i was talking about a few days ago, i just get like real depressed when shes not around so i think why bother but when i do see her its the best thing ever and ill stick by her and be real fucken protective like i get lol. but yeah.
anyway on the bus ride home we got into a conversation about courtney love and kurt cobain and i know fucking heaps about that like courtney love is my fucking hero shes so fucking great. and everyone just sorta thinks oh its just courtney shes a trainwreck and she fucks herself real bad and is wild child etc, but shes not, she used to be like that back in the 90s and she was real bad then and thats still a part of her that i idolize, and her amazing music is the best fucking music ever on this fucking planet, and yeah she did heroin and got real fucken drunk and everything else, but now shes real responsible, and she doesnt drink or do drugs anymore and shes gotten over all that shit. her husband killed himself and she has a daughter and shes taking care of her life after everything shes been through. and shes the most awesome beautiful person ever.
talking about kurt though i was going on about star signs and ascendant star signs and im fucking PISCES ASCENDANT PISCES. thats fucked up. thats like 50 times as bad as just a normal pisces. thats why im so fucked. i bet if you looked at the star signs of people who kill themselves you will find the majority of them are pisces. and its like well what the fuck because theres something different about us and we just overthink way too much and we know how fucked everything is in this fucking world and ALL FUCKING HUMANS JUST DESERVE TO DIE. all of us. our whole planet should just blow up because we are fucking pieces of shit. big fucking sacks of it. were really bad. were killing ourselves for our own "good". greedy fucking humans.
well fuck i was sposed to be writing about kurt cobain i got off the topic a little. but anyway, i fully understand why he killed himself. ive got such bad empathy and i can pretty much feel anything if i think about it. he was fucked from drugs like actually took too much that everything was hurting him, and being on tour constantly and all that band did was tour around, and get REAL fucked on drugs and alcohol, and fuck shit up. and kurt was kinda like the quiet one, hed still get fucked up but just be less drunk and rowdy like kris used to get. but kurt ended up being in real bad pain, and the thing about his music was he never wanted to get big like that. he fucking hated their most famous song.. smells like teen spirit. because it meant every fucking faggot was listening to it because they played it on mtv and the radio. he wanted people to listen to his music because the lyrics and the sound really fucking mattered to them. not just mainstream fucking faggotry shit. and nirvana ended up getting really fucking famous and he just didnt want that.
he had a wife and a fucking daughter, but he got so fucked that life was just too much for him, and he ended it, and he really thought he was better off dead than being alive still going through everything that was happening then.
my most fucking favorite quote ever is from his suicide note.
"its better to burn out than fade away"
i dont know why really but i feel right at fucking home talking about kurt and courtney and i feel like i can reeeal fucking identify with kurt as well. cuz i know how fucked shit is and i was saying some fucked up things about life last night and the night before and im just really suprised, honestly, real fucken suprised, that i just havent topped myself already
but brittany if your reading this, well you shoulda hanged out with us more and gotten drunk with us, it was so much fun. and i said this this morning when it was freakin 7am and i was finally going home, and know that i dont take this sort of thing lightly and ive never actually felt that for anyone ive been out with before, but i said i loved her and i really meant it, like fuck it just makes me so happy seeing her, and you know what i was talking about a few days ago, i just get like real depressed when shes not around so i think why bother but when i do see her its the best thing ever and ill stick by her and be real fucken protective like i get lol. but yeah.
anyway on the bus ride home we got into a conversation about courtney love and kurt cobain and i know fucking heaps about that like courtney love is my fucking hero shes so fucking great. and everyone just sorta thinks oh its just courtney shes a trainwreck and she fucks herself real bad and is wild child etc, but shes not, she used to be like that back in the 90s and she was real bad then and thats still a part of her that i idolize, and her amazing music is the best fucking music ever on this fucking planet, and yeah she did heroin and got real fucken drunk and everything else, but now shes real responsible, and she doesnt drink or do drugs anymore and shes gotten over all that shit. her husband killed himself and she has a daughter and shes taking care of her life after everything shes been through. and shes the most awesome beautiful person ever.
talking about kurt though i was going on about star signs and ascendant star signs and im fucking PISCES ASCENDANT PISCES. thats fucked up. thats like 50 times as bad as just a normal pisces. thats why im so fucked. i bet if you looked at the star signs of people who kill themselves you will find the majority of them are pisces. and its like well what the fuck because theres something different about us and we just overthink way too much and we know how fucked everything is in this fucking world and ALL FUCKING HUMANS JUST DESERVE TO DIE. all of us. our whole planet should just blow up because we are fucking pieces of shit. big fucking sacks of it. were really bad. were killing ourselves for our own "good". greedy fucking humans.
well fuck i was sposed to be writing about kurt cobain i got off the topic a little. but anyway, i fully understand why he killed himself. ive got such bad empathy and i can pretty much feel anything if i think about it. he was fucked from drugs like actually took too much that everything was hurting him, and being on tour constantly and all that band did was tour around, and get REAL fucked on drugs and alcohol, and fuck shit up. and kurt was kinda like the quiet one, hed still get fucked up but just be less drunk and rowdy like kris used to get. but kurt ended up being in real bad pain, and the thing about his music was he never wanted to get big like that. he fucking hated their most famous song.. smells like teen spirit. because it meant every fucking faggot was listening to it because they played it on mtv and the radio. he wanted people to listen to his music because the lyrics and the sound really fucking mattered to them. not just mainstream fucking faggotry shit. and nirvana ended up getting really fucking famous and he just didnt want that.
he had a wife and a fucking daughter, but he got so fucked that life was just too much for him, and he ended it, and he really thought he was better off dead than being alive still going through everything that was happening then.
my most fucking favorite quote ever is from his suicide note.
"its better to burn out than fade away"
i dont know why really but i feel right at fucking home talking about kurt and courtney and i feel like i can reeeal fucking identify with kurt as well. cuz i know how fucked shit is and i was saying some fucked up things about life last night and the night before and im just really suprised, honestly, real fucken suprised, that i just havent topped myself already
Monday, August 9, 2010
dreams
the past week or so ive been having dreams and in them ive got these dreads. long multicolored dreads, they look so fucking cool. red, blue, purple, green, yellow, fuck, they just look amazing and i look awesome with them.
GRR I WANT HAIR
maybe ill just get fake ones hahah have to ask aj where she got her dreads from..
GRR I WANT HAIR
maybe ill just get fake ones hahah have to ask aj where she got her dreads from..
Sunday, August 1, 2010
i dont fucking think so
i doubt shit like that can take a few days and you should stop fucking shouting at me because im pretty sure that i know a lot more about myself than you do. and i know a lot more about everything. im not saying youre not close but fuck, just leave me be.
i dont think im meant to do anything. its just a waste of a life really, this one.
ive gotten this into my head lately and i dont think it will come out.
whats the point of having a full growing old life if theres nothing i want to do except drink lots, take drugs, make myself look cool, and do stupid shit.
i dont really care about anything else.
ive figured out i dont care about people.
not in a mean sense but i just dont bother myself with talking about people all the time like everyone else seems to do and im not really quiet i just have nothing to say and i dont see the point of talking for the sake of it.
i dont know.
maybe time should just hurry up so i can have a break already. i know it wont be a break ill be on but whatever.
i dont think im meant to do anything. its just a waste of a life really, this one.
ive gotten this into my head lately and i dont think it will come out.
whats the point of having a full growing old life if theres nothing i want to do except drink lots, take drugs, make myself look cool, and do stupid shit.
i dont really care about anything else.
ive figured out i dont care about people.
not in a mean sense but i just dont bother myself with talking about people all the time like everyone else seems to do and im not really quiet i just have nothing to say and i dont see the point of talking for the sake of it.
i dont know.
maybe time should just hurry up so i can have a break already. i know it wont be a break ill be on but whatever.
I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city's ripped backsides
And everything looks good tonight
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city's ripped backsides
And everything looks good tonight
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine
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