fucking amazing

the past 2 days ive been drinking and everything is a blur, ive been with aj and chelsea and ive been really fucking happy. like i dont really remember how the events of the past days went but i know weve gotten real fucked up and done a dece amount of drugs and drunk a helluva lot. and im glad now that ive seen her again and talked to her, we had a fucking lot of serious conversations, just drunk ones cuz i always get real emotional when im drunk and i just go on about real depressing shit. which is kinda the reason i get drunk in the first place. i think all this all the time thats why i have to distract myself with stupid shit like getting drunk and playing games and getting fucked on drugs cuz seriously why would you want to be sober when everything can put you in such fucked up states and its amazing, like fuck. and i just .. ohhh it was just a great time i dont really know im still drunk because im drinking again after i finally slept properly for the first time in about 2 days but it was only for 4 hours but anyway still i forgot what i was talking about.

but brittany if your reading this, well you shoulda hanged out with us more and gotten drunk with us, it was so much fun. and i said this this morning when it was freakin 7am and i was finally going home, and know that i dont take this sort of thing lightly and ive never actually felt that for anyone ive been out with before, but i said i loved her and i really meant it, like fuck it just makes me so happy seeing her, and you know what i was talking about a few days ago, i just get like real depressed when shes not around so i think why bother but when i do see her its the best thing ever and ill stick by her and be real fucken protective like i get lol. but yeah.

anyway on the bus ride home we got into a conversation about courtney love and kurt cobain and i know fucking heaps about that like courtney love is my fucking hero shes so fucking great. and everyone just sorta thinks oh its just courtney shes a trainwreck and she fucks herself real bad and is wild child etc, but shes not, she used to be like that back in the 90s and she was real bad then and thats still a part of her that i idolize, and her amazing music is the best fucking music ever on this fucking planet, and yeah she did heroin and got real fucken drunk and everything else, but now shes real responsible, and she doesnt drink or do drugs anymore and shes gotten over all that shit. her husband killed himself and she has a daughter and shes taking care of her life after everything shes been through. and shes the most awesome beautiful person ever.
talking about kurt though i was going on about star signs and ascendant star signs and im fucking PISCES ASCENDANT PISCES. thats fucked up. thats like 50 times as bad as just a normal pisces. thats why im so fucked. i bet if you looked at the star signs of people who kill themselves you will find the majority of them are pisces. and its like well what the fuck because theres something different about us and we just overthink way too much and we know how fucked everything is in this fucking world and ALL FUCKING HUMANS JUST DESERVE TO DIE. all of us. our whole planet should just blow up because we are fucking pieces of shit. big fucking sacks of it. were really bad. were killing ourselves for our own "good". greedy fucking humans.

well fuck i was sposed to be writing about kurt cobain i got off the topic a little. but anyway, i fully understand why he killed himself. ive got such bad empathy and i can pretty much feel anything if i think about it. he was fucked from drugs like actually took too much that everything was hurting him, and being on tour constantly and all that band did was tour around, and get REAL fucked on drugs and alcohol, and fuck shit up. and kurt was kinda like the quiet one, hed still get fucked up but just be less drunk and rowdy like kris used to get. but kurt ended up being in real bad pain, and the thing about his music was he never wanted to get big like that. he fucking hated their most famous song.. smells like teen spirit. because it meant every fucking faggot was listening to it because they played it on mtv and the radio. he wanted people to listen to his music because the lyrics and the sound really fucking mattered to them. not just mainstream fucking faggotry shit. and nirvana ended up getting really fucking famous and he just didnt want that.
he had a wife and a fucking daughter, but he got so fucked that life was just too much for him, and he ended it, and he really thought he was better off dead than being alive still going through everything that was happening then.

my most fucking favorite quote ever is from his suicide note.

"its better to burn out than fade away"

i dont know why really but i feel right at fucking home talking about kurt and courtney and i feel like i can reeeal fucking identify with kurt as well. cuz i know how fucked shit is and i was saying some fucked up things about life last night and the night before and im just really suprised, honestly, real fucken suprised, that i just havent topped myself already