Goodnight

dont really know what i am still doing up at this time of the morning. i'll either get a really shitty sleep or a good one. but then i'll end up sleeping in late and being woken by brad texting me to get into town NOW.

at least we can all actually meet in person now we all have texts. and i'm so suprised that i wasn't woken up by the mother this morning, i was meant to be pretending to go to course, but it got to 1pm and i hadn't even heard her trying to come into my room by then.

all i was doing was whoring myself on various sites like facebook and deviantART. then trying to download old hole music. but that hasn't really gone very well. i got into a hole mood earlier on so yeah.

i love all my idols and everything, like i look up to them so much and draw inspiration from what they do and how they work and everything, i know so many people have their heroes and try copy their behaviour and style and whatever else..
(this is kinda like stoned line of thinking but i can't explain it very well since im straight at the moment)
i know ive had my fair share of looking up to someone so much > trying to be more like them
you could say its a bad thing and you should be yourself and whatnot. theres a quote that goes something like "always try be a first-rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else".
but then i kinda think like what is myself supposed to be exactly.
we grow up taking in and learning from the behaviour and mannerisms and words of everyone around us so of course were always going to have that there, even in the back of your mind that you have these people, idols, heroes, or even just someone normal that you like or respect and admire a lot and want to adopt some of their qualities into yourself and what you do.

but is that a bad thing?

i dont really even know. take this for example:

I love Courtney Love.
Everyone knows what shes like. Her life and everything. She was into the drugs and drinking. She was a stripper. Shes a wild party crasher. Shes one of the most controversial women out there. Shes a fucking rockstar.

Now here's me who has no direction in life and basically sits around getting drunk and listening to all this music. Likes Courtney's music. Likes the idea of a rockstar lifestyle.
So then I get an idea in my head. I will do what she has done. (eventually)
Is that trying to be a second rate courtney love or has she just inspired me with getting some future plans and all that shit?

Hmmm I duno I need to be stoned for this kind of ramble and its like near 5am and I need to go to sleep hahhh...